Loosening My Grip

[skyhigh]

Your pain is my pain, I remember vividly the day I discovered he had an affair and with whom, she was one of my supposed friend (married, 2 kids and a very generous/well established husband, but apparently it wasn't enough...), double betrayal. Karma took care of her in a very twisted way but it made my day.

If you have some time, read the six phases of Midlife crisis from Jim Conway or Blessing hearts, it will help you understand what's going on. You will realize you are on a long journey. By reading you will have a better idea where your husband stands in it.

Your husband is deep in the replay phase of MLC, he is in another world, he is in la la land. Stop trying to understand him, because himself he is struggling with his own thoughts, he came up (as all the MLCers), with the conclusion that his unhappiness and frustrations are related to his relationship with you, you made him feel that way, we are not perfect so it is very easy to find something on somebody and to twist it to your own advantage. You won't be able to convince him otherwise, it will only creates more arguments and make him run away further and reinforce his decision that OW is the one, she is the love of his life. The only thing, he doesn't realize because his mind is in full limbo, there is a huge gap between "fantasy" and "reality", right now they are in the phase where they are wishing upon something and made up a "happy life based on words only", what they know from each other is what they only want to show each other, and most of the time, it's an embellished version of themselves with a lot of omissions, also you are most probably described as a "witch", once they will be together, boom reality. If he moves with her, he will move also with his issues, because leaving you won't resolve them, he might be happy at first but after a few months or just a few weeks, he will be faced with the same issues again.

I witnessed that many times. Some went back to their wives, for some it was too late they had been replaced.

Here a few things you can do right now to help you to calm down the situation:

Don't nag, don't beg, don't spew, don't argue and if you don't agree, just say "let's agree to disagree and leave the room". Take the high road.

Don't talk to him unless, you really have to, don't be cold just distant/polite.

Keep some acts of kindness if you want but nothing related with the emotional, a cup of coffee, his favorite dessert... it's up to you.

Don't talk about your relationship, that's a big NO NO.

Detach+++ don't give him any advice, don't let his words or actions affect you, become waterproof.

Those measures will help to reduce the tension and avoid him to run away even further.

Go see your GP and ask him if some anti-depressants might help for just a few months, I resisted a few months (I thought I could do it without nothing, I was so wrong), it helped me to calm down (far less crying), to sleep (at least I could function the next day), to lower those obsessive thoughts (I could work and care for my kids), I retrieved my mind and my capacity to analysis the situation better.

You might be probably suffering from PTSD, that's what the discovery of infidelity and living with somebody who is harassing you do to our body and mind.

If in your state infidelity can be on your side for a divorce, document what you can find. Even if not, document it, you never know you might need it if you want to expose him or her.

His relationship with OW is based on "fantasy", he is in deep la la land, whatever you will say to him won't change his mind, if she is married expose her to her husband/her parents if she is not expose her to her parents/friends or her employer. Don't do a nuclear exposure but a targeted one (discreet, you want to shake their world but to cut any chance of reconciliation). If you do that, stick to the facts and how it affects your family, no spew, facts are not defamation and also people are more prone to listen to you.

Be ready for him to be mad at you, he is already mad at you anyway and he wants a divorce. Once their "fantasy" is exposed, they have to deal with reality. What exposure does, it creates a crack in their world, it forces them to look at reality. Also, keep in mind, he lies to you but most probably he lies to OW too, he is just telling her what makes him look good and what she wants to hear, he strokes her "emotions", she strokes his "ego". Exposure is a personal decision so do it only if you feel it.

Take care of yourself, be strong.