Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

Previous Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2725003

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while and my last thread hit 10 pages last week so I figured I'd start a new thread. Those of you new to my sitch will probably find it difficult to catch up so I'll recap below, but if you have the time, my previous threads have a lot of wisdom imparted by the vets on this board so they're worth reading.

My signature pretty much sums up the timeline of my sitch.

I discovered my W's affair at the end of May 2016. At the time she was remorseful and was very adamant about saving the marriage. What followed was 5 months of me doing all the wrong things (begging, reasoning, sales-pitching, pursuing, spying, controlling) which pushed my W (who was already on the fence about our future) to the side of giving up on the M.

I continued to spy and uncovered more and more circumstantial evidence that she was hiding interactions with other men from me. Each time I found something new, I would confront her again. And each confrontation just made her more angry and resentful. We decided to separate, but I refused to leave the house. At that point the marriage declined into a limbo status and has remained there every since.

The holidays and a trip to Disney came and went, we shared some good times but also some harsh words and difficult discussions. By the 3rd week of this month (January) I had decided that I'd had enough. I was committed to the idea of giving my wife an ultimatum of "If you can't $hit or get off the pot, I will make your decision for you and file for divorce." I mulled over this ultimatum for a couple days and flip-flopped on whether or not it was a good idea about 100 times.

In the end, I changed my mind about the ultimatum and decided to take a more positive stand. So I asked her if we could put all of our problems aside for now and just focus on reconnecting as friends, for the sake of maintaining a low-conflict environment for our kids. She agreed, and things have been MUCH better between us ever since.

At the moment she still feels like a divorce is best for us. She's given me the speeches about how "people come in and out of your life for different reasons" and how "kids are resilient" and how "I'm not looking to cheat you out of anything. I want everything to be amicable." I've learned to listen to her more and not try to interject in the middle of her thought. I'm trying to validate more too.

So for the past week I've been taking a different approach. I greet her with a friendly smile and an enthusiastic "good morning" each day. When we interact it's usually brief and our conversations are mostly logistical, but I try to make time to tell a quick funny story, tell a joke, or relay something that I saw or read that I know she'd be interested in. I'm also trying some subtle unilateral touching, usually my hand on her upper back or shoulder for a brief second or two. So far she hasn't pulled away or looked at me strangely when I do it.

My GAL is in full swing too. On Monday I drove down to Atlantic City after work and stayed overnight. I don't gamble at all, but I love just hanging out at the pool and going out to eat and drink. My W and I used to do this 2-3 times a year so I decided that shouldn't deny myself the fun even though my W wouldn't come with me this time. Tonight I have an appt to get a new tattoo. It's a Superman logo that will go on my inner forearm. The idea spawned from my daughter calling me "Superman" one day. Now, every time I turn my wrist I will see it and it will be a source of inspiration for me. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with a bunch of musicians to hang out and play music.

Now all this isn't to say that I'm turning a blind eye to our problems. My W is still behaving in a way that I don't really approve of - staying out late, partying with girlfriends, drinking too much, and (although I can't prove it) carrying on some sort of A. She has insisted multiple times that she is not seeing anyone. But even if she's not lying, she's likely bending the truth enough so that a "friends with benefits" situation doesn't qualify as "seeing someone."

But even though my W has pretty much destroyed the trust between us. Worrying and wondering where she is, or trying to spy on her to get more information isn't going to restore that trust. I have to let go and let her do her own thing. With the full understanding that if/when I get to the point where I truly believe that the trust cannot be rebuilt and that there's no hope for a R (or that I don't even want one anymore) I can make the decision to walk away. But at the moment I still believe there's a chance for us.

I've had 3 DB telephone coaching sessions and the advice I was given lines up with my current approach. Put the problems away. They won't get solved now anyway. Instead, try to reconnect, establish good will and friendship. I've also started Mort's program (which employs a very similar philosophy) and it's really helped a lot. One of his quotes that resonated with me was, "You can't talk yourself out of situation that you behaved yourself into." And unfortunately that's what I've been trying to do for too long.

I still feel sad, lonely, jealous, angry, insecure, and hopeless sometimes. But I'm trying my best to deal with those emotions in a positive way and keep them away from my interactions with my W. The irony is, I don't know if I could have taken this approach 9 months ago when the first bomb dropped. I WISH that I had, but it seems likely that only in the wisdom I've gained from my mistakes over the last 9 months am I able to approach my sitch in this way.

Time will tell. And then I will tell you all

Thanks for reading and GL to everyone struggling on this site. If nothing else, we should all be proud that we're trying to take action to make our lives better.