So...it's been a while. Thought I'd pop back in and give an update after having been divorced a year now.
All I can say is, What a difference a year makes. And, What a difference choosing to move forward and move on makes.
The main conclusion I have come to is...We are all our own worst enemies.
After all is said and done, and we've raked our cheating, lying, narcissistic spouses over the coals enough...and obsessed over their betrayals and lies and how they betrayed us, etc., and done everything we can (or not) to give the marriage a second (or third, fourth, etc.) chance, the harsh reality is that many (perhaps most) of us don't make it back, and there is still the task of moving forward and moving on. It's a choice, and a very difficult one, I think, for most of us who find our way here.
One thing I've always liked about this forum and Michele's advice is that it really boils down to taking the focus off of the people and situations we can't control, and focusing on becoming a healthier, stronger person ourselves, shedding unhealthy attachments and growing as individuals. As despicable (or not) as some of our spouses may be/may have been, holding on to an unhealthy attachment to someone is all on us, 100%.
It's a victim mentality, serves no useful purpose, and is always destructive. It can be very difficult to get out of. But there is no one out there worth sacrificing our peace, self-respect, and dignity over. Not the mother of my kids, not someone I'm dating or want to date, etc.
And...shocker...we lie to ourselves a lot. A LOT. More than we probably care to admin. And we lie to ourselves about lying to ourselves. I try and catch myself when I do it but it's not always easy to recognize at first, but I think I'm getting better at it.
The good news is it can be broken. The bad news is that many people don't or won't break it...or we convince ourselves that we're detached when we're actually obsessing over every little thing they do...out of pain avoidance and fear of losing the marriage, the family, etc. Fear of being alone which we allow to drive us into unhealthy, hasty relationships; fear of being hurt again that keeps us out of good ones. Fear of being "the divorced guy/gal".
We have a lot of work to do. More than we think.
Losing the family is very tough, no way around that. For me it hit particularly hard because my parents were divorced and I swore I'd never put my kids in that position. And that's where we all ended up. Mine are grown so it was a little easier...no visitation to worry over, etc. But in other ways it was very difficult as mine thought we were bulletproof as a family at this point. And, of course, we weren't. No one is.
They have lingering bitterness and some questions that they seem reluctant to ask still...I think they are afraid to know the answers, and I can't blame them for that. My youngest has a strained relationship (to put it mildly) with his mom.
I do hate that we ended up here, but I have to confess that much of the fear and pain associated with this situation was unnecessary and I brought on myself by refusing to see and accept things as they were and holding on to what I liked to call hope and commitment but which, looking back, were really more like living in fantasy land and obsessing over her behavior, the pain, the failure.
Around this time last year, mid-January to be exact, I started accepting the failure. She failed. I failed. The marriage failed. We all failed. I had a problem accepting that is what happened because I have always prided myself on being able to fix anything, to do whatever it takes. Refusing to let go will kill your spirit if not your mind and body.
So last year was maybe the worst year of my life. It was also one of the best.
Having accepted, I gradually started waking up with peace instead of dread. Having been married 20 years, dating was a little freaky once I got around to it, but spent time with some really wonderful women who were simply a pleasure to be around. That was eye-opening having been in the kind of meatgrinder marriage I'd been in for so long.
I traveled a bit, mostly on my own. It felt crazy good. Spent 12 days driving around the Northeastern US...from Atlantic City to NYC to the NH seacoast, upstate NY...some for work, some with new friends, some with family. Chicago. DC. Lower Appalachia.
There's just no substitute for being honest with ourselves, with learning how to really accept that we can only control ourselves--a big enough challenge that trying to control situations or people or relationships is a non-starter, fruitless, and, ultimately, sad.
There is no boundless optimism here, nor a pit of despair and negativity. For the most part, and thankfully, just peace, and balance, and appreciation. It has also become much easier to recognize negative or destructive thinking, people, etc., and avoid it by just letting it all slide, man, and moving on to better things.
Yes, a little pain and sadness lingers, pops up from time to time and says, "Howdy". But it has no hold on me like it once did, and I'm happy to say I've gotten to a point where I no longer make it either my enemy or my friend...to deny/avoid it or obsess over it. I've learned to just say, "Howdy" back, and keep moving.
We often enter this situation and this forum with "I never thought I'd be in this kind of marriage, never thought I'd be looking at divorce, never thought I'd be here."
Now I'm saying the same thing except for a different reason. I never thought I'd be here...past it, with peace and balance and living my life, for the most part, on my own terms...and even enjoying it again.
