WAS or what 9

[roist]

Hello Gordie, thanks for dropping by and for your questions. Here are my replies:

1. Isn't it obvious that my W is still here because I am too awesome to leave. No seriously I cannot answer that for her. I don't know. My W is critical of her parents R so I doubt she is just emulating that. About two years ago she was offered a full time job, so that could have set her up financially if she had taken it. I imagine the kids are a big part of it.

I see signs that she's not fully done yet, so maybe she is standing in her own way. But I have often reflected on what it would be like to feel stuck with someone you don't want to be with. That must be terrible so fair credit to her for still being here.

But essentially this is mostly mind reading and I prefer to concentrate on the fact she is still here and no imminent signs of that changing.

2. That is a huge question. Before I started working on saving our M I would say that was absolutely true. I was of the mentality if she wasn't going to make an effort then neither was I. It was a very negative time and the deepest part of my depression.

Then I realised what I wanted and got in touch with my feelings and was willing and able to discuss them. But she wasn't receptive. That was a real eye opener for me as to the depth of how bad our situation was.

Long story short I since have worked a lot on eliminating resentment from our R. There are times I get fed up with the situation but for the mostpart I no longer resent the situation and I definitely don't feel resentment towards my w. When I struggle I remind myself she is having a difficult time too.

I have done a lot of work to replace negativity and resentment.The best way to do that is by replacing them with positive emotions. I choose gratitude and empathy. In essence you cannot feel negative whilst feeling grateful or any other positive feeling.

I am grateful my W checked out as this enabled me to embark on discovering so many learning I would otherwise have remained oblivious to. It really can be a gift, though I would prefer to end this phase like every one else here.

3. Another good but complicated question. Short answer is that although we are not demonstrating a perfectly loving couple neither are we inflicting traumatic interactions on our boys. We relay more than parent together but we do support each other with the kids.

It is not the example I want them growing up as a model of how to be, but it is not that bad. I am sure they pick up on some stuff but so far I am not worried about that for them.

The little brats probably try the devide and conquer technique a little as we are not 100% together but we are fairly consistent and together in our approach to them.

My W stayed at home several years and has a strong impression she is the boss in the house regarding the boys. I have upped my status and reclaimed equality, but it is slow. I did so first to be ready if I had to parent solo bit also to be the best dad possible.

I have read and learned a lot about parenting. I wasalways interested and present but now it is highly important for me. I thought I was doing good before this crisis but I realise I was coasting.

Got to go. Thanks for probing

Best wishes