hhhmmm....well, that's interesting. I wonder if my H was informed of this and that's why I'm suddenly receiving the I'm sorry - won't do that again texts when I'm blasting him. Something to consider...
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
hhhmmm....well, that's interesting. I wonder if my H was informed of this and that's why I'm suddenly receiving the I'm sorry - won't do that again texts when I'm blasting him. Something to consider...
Hi, Chewie!
It most definitely is something to consider. It ended up costing him big time. I've come to watch what my ex sends. Yesterday was fishing, plain and simple. I didn't fall into it because it was so blatantly obvious - however, back when I was in the darkest of places, I would have. Ugh.
Be careful.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The moral of the story is to be very, very careful in what you put down. Texts are admissible in court. Just be careful. I don't want any of you to fall into his trap.
Hmm, are emails admissible, too? I've done apology letter (one before DB and one during) that are validating.
I think you're missing the point on the validation. It's what's said. My friend's ex wife had worded her text very carefully, and when he validated (ie, agreed) then boom, she had him and he couldn't argue. And when he tried, her lawyer said you wrote it, didn't you?
Validation is good in the proper context. What must be considered is how things are worded, because everything is admissible, especially to a vindictive person...or one who just wants to win.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Validation and agreeing arent the same thing though. Maybe thats how he got into trouble? Sad story though. Sounds like what happened to RDS.
True. But in a sense they can be. And that's where he got into trouble. It really cost him. A lot.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Saturday night was the best sleep that I have had in such a long time. Woke up at 0730...and I haven't slept that late since college. I was at the point of exhaustion...maybe it was that combined with the extra dose of Nyquil that did it. Whatever it was, it worked wonders.
Hit the gym extra hard yesterday, and it was much needed. Weights until the point of total muscle failure. Sure, I'm sore today but that's a good and much-needed pain. Exercise - the single BEST anti-depressant there is.
A good friend from one of the far-off duty stations flew in over the weekend and I ended up meeting him for a few beers Saturday night. On top of all our catching up, we ended up talking about the death of marriages. He brought up some very, very good points about "terms" being thrown around about spouses who leave. Pretty much our conversation about our experiences revolved around this. This may ruffle some feathers on here, if so, then well so be it.
The gist of our conversation about spouses who leave can be lumped into two categories: those who just do not want to be married anymore and those who are broken (as in my ex's case).
B, as I shall call him, feels that terms being thrown around (for example - MLC, etc) are overblown and often used as a crutch by us left-behinds to sort of an excuse to make us feel better for them leaving. Sort of like saying they did something like that because they are bad or whatever...whatever it takes to give us an explanation. He went to say that for those spouses who leave that aren't broken, leave/have affairs/etc because they no longer want to be married for us, for whatever reason. More often than not, its because we stopped being the person we were when we got married in the first place. They feel trapped to the point where they either seek it out or fall prey. Some will stay married during affairs in all due to their comfort zone. Some for children. Affairs aren't excusable by any means. And what one has done before will do again.
And then there are the broken ones. The ones who come from such a traumatic past that they know of no other way than to leave. However, even that isn't an excuse - especially for a fully functioning adult. Some use it as a crutch. Some can't help it. All need help. As my IC (and was our MC) said, mine acted in survival mode from her childhood...she did what she had to in order to "survive," whether it be from beatings/burnings or sexual assault or whatever. The only thing she knew was to fully play along without disagreement. And to never speak up. And to leave at the first sign of something not following her fairy tale. Some, as mine did/does, are so desperate for attention that they actively follow someone who shows them what the perceive to be true, as mine did...which is another form of childhood survival.
At any rate, the discussion was a long and good one - I needed that in more ways than one. Kind of made me see things in a different light. I fully expect to be drug across the coals on here and welcome discussion.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Interesting points, Jeep. I think what many say on this site and others about the "non-broken" ones who just want out, there is a reason. And the reason is a shiddy relationship that we contribute to and that's apparently fixable if we can get them to stay and listen (via DBing or whatever).
I think MLC would fall into the broken category, though. And the permanent issues of past abuse, psychological/emotional/neurological issues are also in that category. So maybe it's not an issue of temporary or permanent but broken and not broken.
Again many sites advocate for us to stop seeing our partners as the faulty ones and look at our own culpabilities. The issue is when we do this and the other person is really in fact seriously damaged, then what do we do? The crutch may be believing that they'll change if we change.
I think what many say on this site and others about the "non-broken" ones who just want out, there is a reason. And the reason is a shiddy relationship that we contribute to and that's apparently fixable if we can get them to stay and listen
Very well said. It often takes years for them to reach the point of wanting to leave. Much to often said on here is the "I'm not in love with you anymore" line. There is a fine line between reality and perception, and one that's not so easily seen at times. Sometimes its obvious, that we have stopped doing all the things we did before; and sometimes its not so obvious and in their minds. Some just fall out of love and live as friends. But whatever the reason, when the love dies it more often than not doesn't return. Can it? Sure. But that person has to be willing, and by that point they no longer are.
Quote:
I think MLC would fall into the broken category, though. And the permanent issues of past abuse, psychological/emotional/neurological issues are also in that category. So maybe it's not an issue of temporary or permanent but broken and not broken.
Good points. Broken is usually un-repairable, though, especially if the person doesn't see it that way. Does a MLC fit into that category? I'm not so sure. Others will know more, though.
Quote:
Again many sites advocate for us to stop seeing our partners as the faulty ones and look at our own culpabilities.
True. But also looking at our own failings can lead us down two paths: change for the better within our own selves; or, down the rabbit hole of depression/what ifs.
Quote:
The issue is when we do this and the other person is really in fact seriously damaged, then what do we do?
Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. We can make our changes within ourselves, but it won't bring that other person back. Their damage leads them to believe things that aren't true. I'm not the same as I was before and have worked on correcting myself. I never pointed them out to her but have demonstrated a different self/attitude/etc, yet none of it matters. WHen they are done, they are done.
Quote:
The crutch may be believing that they'll change if we change.
Bingo. This is a trap that many, many fall into. And when things don't pan out the way we wish, it only leads to anger and bitterness. That's why I try to say change for yourself and not others.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
