Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[job]

Gordie,

I'm going to suggest that you read ForeverYoung's threads and as well as HaWho's threads. Both have spouses living under the same roof, in MLC...one wife and one husband. They both have have had their ups and downs but have figured out what works in their particular situations and trust me...this is not a sprint, but a marathon. It takes a long time to actually see progress on the MLCers side of the fence. That's why it is important to work on you and also keep the focus on you and your family. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her.

[roist]

I had a lot lined up to say but due to lack of time and the good words from others I will keep this short.

OM is important in all of this. You cannot be seen as accepting of this. As cadet tells many you need to say you will not be in a R with her if there is another person. In your case, this may not be necessary as she has told you her stance and she wants other man.

This is important for several reasons. Firstly any turn around will take longer. Much longer. Secondly how you react affects her opinion of you. It is not what she thinks immediately (as likely to be negative regardless) but what she thinks when she looks back on how you treated her in this crisis.

Waiting her out is not enough. OM could fall away and that does not mean you will reconcile. That is why he isn't your focus. Is your moving to mlc forum a sign you want to wait her out? I am curious not critical.

Your W's hardening as you put it has been five days. Expect it to last and to worsen. I had planned sharing how I supported my checked out W all this time but first I would like to know how YOU see YOUR stance going forward?

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Job,

Thank you so much for pointing me in HaWho's direction. I am reading her old threads and learning a TON...particularly because she is also in a situation with young children. I'll post more after I get to digest them.

[Gordie]

CaliGuy,

I'm a big fan of yours, so thanks for checking in:

***Gordie, I will not contradict advice MWD gives, but you must realize that in MLC the tactics are similar but its more of the long game mindset. Things we do with a MLCr will not always provide immediate results for starters .... add that in with the fact they think these things you are doing are nothing but a ploy to trick them back into the miserable marriage they are so desperate to get out of. Summary .. They do not trust your changes are for real nor will they stick ... keep at it, though it may feel counter intuitive and not yielding results.***

Yes!

***This is a MLC trait, mine is horrible at this, still is. I link it to the guilt they wrestle with. On one hand they must prove to you, themselves and everyone watching this choice they are making is for the best ... deep down they know and they struggle terribly with it which is why they can not look you in the eye.***

Wow, didn't know this was so common; it was new for me.

***Thats a good approach, keeping in mind that your neighbor may be nice one day and poop on your lawn later that night.***

Hahahahaha.

***If you read a bit .. various sitches ... distancing is more for the LBS as a boundary, self protection. It only backfires when you are trying to use it to shock them out of the crisis, when you attach expectations on it or use it in a punishing way.***

Wow, need to think of this differently...I think I was hoping it would be a shock, but clearly that hasn't worked in the past...

***You have to find YOU. The guy you lost along the way, not many of us can make it through a 20 year relationship without losing chunks of who we are along the way ... this was the person who was confident and attractive ... it surely was what your W was drawn to. Now she sees the shell of a man who was, or this person who did not live up to what she thought he would be ..... now to be honest none of us would live up to that. Its Disillusionment on our spouses part and tied with MLC its the fuel that sends them running along with the issue they are not willing to face at this time in the crisis. ALL THIS IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL

The one thing you can control is you. Find yourself ... GAL, 180 PMA .. all that. Do things that push you out of your comfort zone and rediscover yourself. Its really all you can do while allowing them to go through their journey.***

Wow, lots of homework to do on this one...

***In your case its more difficult with her there .. the constant reminder day in and day out. Some would love for the MLCr to be under their roof ... others the opposite. Having been exposed to both, I personally prefer not being in the front row seat watching the crisis for my own sanity. So accept this is where things are and give yourself time away doing things ... she may act like it doesn't matter and ignore you but she is noticing I assure you.***

Thanks, we're under the same roof now, but that may be changing soon...stay tuned...for better or for worse...

[Gordie]

***OM is important in all of this. You cannot be seen as accepting of this. As cadet tells many you need to say you will not be in a R with her if there is another person. In your case, this may not be necessary as she has told you her stance and she wants other man.***

I've told her I don't want to be in a three way relationship. At first she told me that's what she wanted (bomb drop request for cake eating), but now think she wants a clear break from me...

***This is important for several reasons. Firstly any turn around will take longer. Much longer. Secondly how you react affects her opinion of you. It is not what she thinks immediately (as likely to be negative regardless) but what she thinks when she looks back on how you treated her in this crisis. Waiting her out is not enough. OM could fall away and that does not mean you will reconcile. That is why he isn't your focus. Is your moving to mlc forum a sign you want to wait her out? I am curious not critical.***

I moved to MLC because I found the MLC advice more relevant to my situation. I loved all the advice in newcomers, but some of it just didn't seem to fit my situation. I also recognized my W in more of the MLC threads and see this, as Caliguy said, a long game...waiting her out? Yes, in terms of waiting out her MLC...even through separation or divorce.

***Your W's hardening as you put it has been five days. Expect it to last and to worsen. I had planned sharing how I supported my checked out W all this time but first I would like to know how YOU see YOUR stance going forward?***

I am still in love with and committed to my W...despite her craziness...and still believe in my vows of for better or worse...until death do us part. I know she is hurting (and I am partly to blame for that) and that she is also in fantasy land. I have no interest in dating or being with other women...I only love and want my W...not to mention to raise my kids in an intact family...

[KentS]

Ha! I found you. Gordie.

I see you are still on WAW's emotional roller coaster. She has been unwavering in where your R is headed from what I read. Tell me if I am wrong. You have little choice but to accept it for now since you have already agreed to the S. You are seen as an obstacle to her fantasy coming true.

I agree with the advise that you need not accept her choices about OM. You can't do anything about them, but accept them? No, I don't think so.

From what I read, you spend too much time dwelling on her and too little time dwelling on fixing/strengthening Gordie. I think it is great that you spend time with your kids. Perhaps you should take them on a trip and build those relationships which also frees WAW to be with OM or whatever else she wants to do. Give the fire of her dream some oxygen so that it can burn good and hot.

She seems hell bent on flaming your marriage. While you need to be respectful, I do not believe you need to be luvy duvy. I certainly would not have sex with her at this point. However, my personal preference is to avoid STD's at all cost.

As you dig deeper into Gordie, you will find there is more than enough to keep you busy. Things that need real work. Your R's with your kids are gonna need a bunch of quality time. That means quantity as well.

I hope to see you in a peaceful place soon.

K

[Gordie]

***I found you. Gordie.***

Thank you! You are a guardian angel.

***I see you are still on WAW's emotional roller coaster.***

Yes, but I have been better after the advice Rose, Cali and Roist gave.

***She has been unwavering in where your R is headed from what I read. Tell me if I am wrong. You have little choice but to accept it for now since you have already agreed to the S. You are seen as an obstacle to her fantasy coming true.***

Yes, all of that is true. The only thing W is wavering on is if she wants a S or a D. Like ForGump's W, she's also not being realistic about money because there isn't enough to support her fantasy but she doesn't care. She just wants to get the settlement done and figure life out from there.

***I agree with the advise that you need not accept her choices about OM. You can't do anything about them, but accept them? No, I don't think so. ***

What do you mean by not accepting them? No, I won't do a three way sexual R if that's what you are talking about.

***From what I read, you spend too much time dwelling on her and too little time dwelling on fixing/strengthening Gordie.***

You are right and this will be one thing that will be easier when we are not living together.

***I think it is great that you spend time with your kids. Perhaps you should take them on a trip and build those relationships which also frees WAW to be with OM or whatever else she wants to do. Give the fire of her dream some oxygen so that it can burn good and hot.***

I actually already do these trips with the kids without my W, have been for a few years now. We take vacations with W too.

***She seems hell bent on flaming your marriage. While you need to be respectful, I do not believe you need to be luvy duvy.***

I'm working on this. Rose's friendly neighbor and Hawho houseguest ideas have been helpful. Flaming the M? For now, yes. After her fantasy dies? I guess than she will need to decide where she goes from there and I will too.

***I certainly would not have sex with her at this point. However, my personal preference is to avoid STD's at all cost. As you dig deeper into Gordie, you will find there is more than enough to keep you busy. Things that need real work. Your R's with your kids are gonna need a bunch of quality time. That means quantity as well. I hope to see you in a peaceful place soon.***

Thank you for your wisdom and continuing support.

[roist]

OK the reason I asked about your stance and mentioned OM is because unless you are clear on what lies ahead and how you plan to manage that, you will be dragged around that roller coaster ride like a rag doll in a hurricane. Get out of the storm that is brewing.

She wants out, so she is out. She wants OM, so you are out. There is no R now. As long as OM is in the picture you need to not be in that R. Simple to say. Difficult to implement.

This does not mean becoming cold or mean. You are just not interested in any R with her. Switch your focus to working on you, preparing for S and to restart living for YOU.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

***OK the reason I asked about your stance and mentioned OM is because unless you are clear on what lies ahead and how you plan to manage that, you will be dragged around that roller coaster ride like a rag doll in a hurricane.***

Roist, I'm not clear on what lies ahead. In the short-term, W could (i) get rejected by POM if POM wants to stay with his GF (W is afraid of this) or (ii) make POM her new BF if POM dumps his GF (she doesn't want a three way with the GF...but thought I would be okay with a three way with the POM, sigh). If (ii), W has said it can't get too serious any time soon because cohabitation or M would cause an end to her alimony.

***Get out of the storm that is brewing.***

What do you mean? What are you suggesting?

***She wants out, so she is out. She wants OM, so you are out. There is no R now. As long as OM is in the picture you need to not be in that R. Simple to say. Difficult to implement. This does not mean becoming cold or mean. You are just not interested in any R with her.***

Yes, I'm working on Rose's friendly neighbor and Hawho's houseguest path. This is a switch for me, just this week...will post more on that later.

***Switch your focus to working on you, preparing for S and to restart living for YOU.***

I have a L for the separation. I have an IC and DB coach for me. I also have a few good buddies IRL who have been extraordinarily supportive--have even offered to stay with them or help me move when the times comes. I have identified an apartment. I know how I want it set up.

I know this sounds like a dumb, pathetic, sorry-a$$ question...but how do I change my mindset of living for ME? I've been with my W for 20 years...and even in these circumstances, my life still revolves around her and I'm having a hard time changing that. Given all of the hurt and pain and sadness and rejection, this should be easy, but I think about her and her needs and what I can be doing for her ALL THE TIME. I'm sure that sounds totally and utterly pathetic but I'm trying to be honest here. I need a 2x4!

[Woke_Up]

God, help me. I'm really, really desperate (hopefully, I'm not showing it).

Gordie... hang in there, you're a strong man, a good man, and you will come out of the other side of this moment. You've a long journey ahead, and this is one of the twists and turns on that road. It is not the final destination.

I struggle with it, but the key must be staying pleasant without pursuing. I like Rose's advice.

Also, if you meditate, do it when the weight is crushing you like it seems to be now. Get some mindfulness. Get into yourself. Find your inner Gordie, and breathe. Not sure if you are like me, but when the weight of uncertainty is crushing, I really feel like I can't physically breathe. Mindfulness meditation (I use Calm & Headspace apps to help me, like Surfer suggested) really help me to breathe again, just by focusing on the breath and the way it moves within my body.

It could be that your W has realised she was getting closer to you again, and is forcing herself away, swinging one way then the other like a pendulum.

I know your sitch is different to mine, as I believe mine is more keeping me 'under control' and 'temp checking' by her actions, but she went distant and cold after my last blow up about her sexting OM. She moved out of MBR and slept on the mattress until the bed frame arrived, she started talking about selling the house, etc... The WW can be very very good at manipulating emotions, even unconsciously.

Sandi has pointed out, I am like a puppet on a string dancing to her tune. You need to do better than me. Don't let her feelings or displays of affection/coldness alter your perception of the sitch. You need to be taking a longer term view than the day by day, week by week. remember, it's not done until you say it's done.

I'll be thinking of you, be well, my friend.