So did you lie to your wife or tell her the truth? You told her you want to leave...but you are telling us you don't want to leave.
I told her that I would leave the marriage, but I didn't want to. Apologies, I should of been clearer.
So how did you respond two days ago?
I said I would do what she needed to help her figure out if she thought she had the energy to try to fix our marriage and offered suggestions on how we could make that happen.
***I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave.***
What Rose said...how does leaving take the weight off her shoulders? This seems like another weight ON HER SHOULDERS.
Like I said earlier, the weight I would be taking off her shoulders would be about her having to stress about whether she thinks she can work on the marriage. She already said that she was leaning to the answer being a no.
***I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no.***
Why did you say no? This is a major, life-changing decision. At the time, I honestly believed it was what she needed and wanted.
And how will separating make her happy? To be honest, I don't know. Ive asked if she would be happier if I left and she said she didn't know.
So you still love each other and can be physically affectionate? Yes, we do love each other and while we were being affectionate, I asked her if she was uncomfortable and she said no. Even when I left for work this morning, we hugged and kissed each other goodbye.
So you haven't been physically affectionate in years? We haven't been intimate in over a year, and that's fine cause I know she has been under alot of stress and is tired alot. Ive tried to help with the stress and tiredness by taking care of the kids at night when they wake up and by making sure I help as much as possible when I get home from work. I don't get many opportunities to let her sleep in as I work 2 jobs, but I do whenever I can. Last weekend I got her to sleep until 10:30 and then when she got up, I told her to go to a local cafe and have a nice breakfast and have some time to herself. One of my jobs means I have to be up at 2am at least twice a week and the other morning's, I'm up at 4:30. I get home at about 4:30 in the afternoon so I can help her and the kids.
Do you want to be an involved father?
Without a doubt. One of the reasons for me suggesting that we still live in the same house is so I can be involved and to support her and kids financially and emotionally. I don't want her doing all this on her own, and I made that very clear to her.
Is that why you are separating? Because she has been verbally abusive towards you?
Not really. Like I said, I don't want to leave, but I do want to make her happy and if that means it's not being in a relationship with me, then I'm willing to accept that. I know she's not an abusive person and I know that it's a result of the other stresses Ive mentioned, which is why I try to ignore it as much as I can.
How have you grieved? How has she grieved? Have either of you had any counseling? I haven't really grieved as I've always tried to make sure my wife was in first. We have been to counselling and she is still going.
If you feel you may have made a mistake, you need to tell your W ASAP!
I don't want it to look like that I'm thinking about myself cause it's what I want and not what she needs. I would love to tell her that I've made a mistake, but I am worried it will add that stress again.
***She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision.***
If she is really upset and crying and affectionate (actions), this means more than saying she has accepted it (words).
I hope so, cause we do really love each other.
How can you look after her if you are abandoning her and the children?
Like I said, Ive told her that I would still like to live at home so I can be there for the kids, watch them grow up and to support her financially and emotionally. She said I have helped her heal from alot of soundings (before our time together), and I said I wanted to keep doing that. She thanked me and then hugged and kissed me.
From what are you setting her free? Is your marriage a prison--emotionally?
At times it is and I know it's caused us both alot of grief.
What do you want her to do/say more than she already has? Do you want her to beg, beg, beg you to stay and work on the M?
No, I don't want her to beg, but this is why I'm confused. She's told me a few times that she doesn't think she can work on it and even if she did, so doesn't know how to fix it, but in the last 2 days, we've been more affectionate and loving towards each other than we have been in a long time.
***She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.***
This is yet another difficulty to deal with and it sounds like she hasn't individually and you haven't as a couple.
No, she hasn't, and we haven't, but I do think it's a long term thing and she does trust me, it's that in certain times, her woundings come up and I do my best to love her through it.
***We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-( ***
It sounds like she hasn't given up on the M, but you have...if you haven't...then think you should reconsider your separation decision.
I hope she hasn't. I really do. I'm hoping that she comes back from interstate wanting to try to make it work. I haven't given up either as I do want to be with her.
