Life can be so unfair to couples/families. I am so very sorry you and your wife have suffered with these losses and disappointments. How soon did she become pregnant after losing the baby boy?
Did either of you attend grief counseling or parent groups? The emotional toll on your W has been great. The depression had to have sapped her emotional and physical energy, and then having two more children so close together (and one with special needs).....I can see why there wasn't a lot left at the end of the day to give to the MR.
Does she work outside of home and raising a family? Does she have emotional support from family & friends? Did you give her support when you would come home from work?
I feel that with sufficient therapy (for the abuse she witnessed, and for her loss, and for being a mother with a special needs child, and for issues in the MR)....plus group support from other parents with special needs children, it could make a healthier change in her and in the MR. Meeting with a group of parents supporting each other is amazing. I use to take part in such a group of mothers....and I'll tell anyone that I have the utmost respect for these parents.
Anyway, back to your M problems......I have a close family member who was asked by his W to leave. As they talked to their kids, she sat in his lap and appeared very sweet & loving....considering they were separating. Come to find out, it was her way of putting closure on their XX years together, and "showing the kids everything was still good between them"......(?) Blows your mind, doesn't it? Well, I hope this is not the case with your W, but please don't misread her show of affection. She may tell you she loves you, but still press for a separation. Some of that may be her emotional release, as strange as it may sound to you.
If separation comes, why stay in the house and continue doing the same thing? I mean, what's the point of having a separation if you aren't going to put space between you? You are quick to say how you will be there every night to help out, etc., but have you considered that she may not wish to have you there every night? I'm just trying to figure out the point to what you are planning.
I wonder if you thought you were doing what she wanted, but after seeing her affectionate response....you are regretting it. I don't think she had a change of heart....but I think she could.
Tell us more about her verbal abuse toward you. Did she do this with the kids, too? Any other behavior traits that was not like the girl you married?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
