Thank you Skyhigh for taking the time to reach about my sitch and offering your advice. I really like the idea of having him take care of S so he gets it. He has never had to take care of him by himself for more than a couple of hours. I don't think he gets it. At all.
So for the last three days he has gone dim on me. I mean really dim. He hardly speaks to me. The only time he talks is when it is about S and scheduling issues. He has been really really cold. It's so difficult to take.
I wouldn't take this kind of cold shoulder/hostile/PA treatment from a friend. I have to keep reminding myself not to internalize his behavior. This is HIM, not ME. It has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with how he handles issues in his relationships. I keep reminding myself to ignore it and carry on. Do. Not. React. Do not give him a reason/justification for his anger. Carry on with a PMA.
It's so hard to do when my heart is breaking over being treated this way. Just a rant. I can't understand how he justifies treating someone this way. I suspect (mind reading) that he is upset because the house isn't on the market and because we haven't had these conversations that he feels we need to have and he blames me for that.
I feel like he has an unspoken expectation that I will initiate the conversations. That I will start the work necessary to put the house up for sale. I'm not sure where he gets this from.
I am making myself nutty trying to understand. I have asked myself why do I want to understand what is going on in his nutty noggin. I think there are three reasons.
The first being that I feel like if I understand, I can have empathy/perspective, which at least gives me a sense of peace.
The second reason, I need reassurance his anger isn't my fault. I have come to learn that I internalize his anger. If he is angry, then I must have done something wrong. This is the dynamic I grew up with. My mother was out of control growing up; she was both physically and emotionally abusive. In order to get her to calm down, my dad would make my sister and I apologize. Even if we did nothing wrong. I think that taught me that my loved ones' anger is always my fault so I have to fix it and apologize. The anger causes me to feel uncomfortable and like I have erred. I am motivated to want to make things right, whether or not I am the cause.
The third reason I want to know is so I can argue with it. In the past, I would find fault with his reasoning or I would become defensive (if it was something I had legitimately done wrong). My reaction would be to argue, argue, argue. Which is why I am working so hard to drink my STFU smoothie while smiling between gulps.
I have a lot of work to do on my side of the street. So I better get at it. Thank you everyone for your time. This was a long one.
I can do this. I can stand here and be the lighthouse and take the waves crashing against me. I can take this beating. I am stronger and better than before. I have the knowledge and tools to deal with it.
