Advice needed

[Gordie]

***My wife and I have been together for about 7 years and today I told her I wanted to leave the relationship. Now I know that might sound weird as I'm coming here for advice, but the truth is that I don't want to leave.***

So did you lie to your wife or tell her the truth? You told her you want to leave...but you are telling us you don't want to leave.

***We've had a pretty rough run of things over the last few years.***

This is an understatement. Losing one child, having another with a disability, and then yet another...all in a very short period of time. Three pregnancies with all healthy children is taxing...your situation is off the charts taxing.

***As you can appreciate, our relationship has had alot of stresses over the years and I think we've struggled to deal with them and haven't focussed any attention on our relationship. Things have been getting worse between us and 2 days ago, my wife said she needed some time to figure out if she had the energy to work on our marriage, but she was leaning towards ending it as she couldn't see how we could make it work. This didn't come as a suprise as I know we've had issues.***

So how did you respond two days ago?

***I do love her and I want to take some of the weight off her shoulders, so I said I was going to leave.***

What Rose said...how does leaving take the weight off her shoulders? This seems like another weight ON HER SHOULDERS.

***I told her my reasons, in that I'm doing this because I love her. She asked me if I wanted to sit with it for a little, but I said no.***

Why did you say no? This is a major, life-changing decision.

***This was really hard for me as I don't want it to end, but I want her to be happy and she hasn't been for a long time. Neither of us have been.***

And how will separating make her happy?

***I left work early today to talk to her about the seperation. We both cried alot and held each other alot. It's actually the most love we've shared with each other for a long time. She said she loves me and is disappointed it's ended like this. She said it's not fair cause we're both good people. Even tonight, we've laid together on the couch and hugged and kissed alot and cried. She even kissed me goodnight and sat on my lap while we hugged.***

So you still love each other and can be physically affectionate?

***I'm very confused cause she accepted my decision and has already told her family, but she has been more affectionate with me than ever before (well, since we started having issues). It's been the most affection we've shared in years.***

So you haven't been physically affectionate in years?

***She wants to take the kids interstate where her family is for a month or so to get their support which I've agreed to. Part of me is hoping that the time away will make her want to try properly.***

Do you want to be an involved father?

***There has been no cheating involved or anything sinister, although she did say that she's realised she been verbally abusive towards me lately and she hates that's she's been like that. She said I don't deserve it.***

Is that why you are separating? Because she has been verbally abusive towards you?

***She's also still suffering from post traumatic stress from loosing our son, something she didn't share with me until recently. I feel like a bad husband cause I should of known this and helped her. She is a very sensitive person and normally very loving which I think is making it harder for her to deal with loosing our son. Dealing (or getting over as some people say it) with loosing our son is probably the wrong way to say it as I know I'll never get over that loss, but maybe struggling at dealing with it better.***

How have you grieved? How has she grieved? Have either of you had any counseling?

***Have I made a mistake by saying I'm leaving?***

If you feel you may have made a mistake, you need to tell your W ASAP!

***She's been really upset and alot more loving towards me, but has also accepted my decision.***

If she is really upset and crying and affectionate (actions), this means more than saying she has accepted it (words).

***I just really want to make sure that she is happy (and she's currently not by any stretch of the imagination) and to look after her, which is why I said I am leaving.***

How can you look after her if you are abandoning her and the children?

***That saying of "if you truely love someone you'll set them free and if they come back it was meant to be" is my reason for leaving. I told her this when I said I was leaving.***

From what are you setting her free? Is your marriage a prison--emotionally?

***She said I had balls for doing that (excuse the language), but I do hope she comes back and gives us a chance at really making it work.***

What do you want her to do/say more than she already has? Do you want her to beg, beg, beg you to stay and work on the M?

***She is a beautiful soul who's been through alot in her life including having an abusive father and seeing her mother and grandmother being abused by their husbands. I walked into our room last night and she became immediately scared as she thought I was going to hurt her. Not because of me personally as I've never abused her, but because of what her father and grandfather did to their wives during their marriage and after their divorce. The first week of our honeymoon was stressful for her as her mother told her that the first time she was physically abused by her husband was on their honeymoon. My wife was worried that I would turn into that person.***

This is yet another difficulty to deal with and it sounds like she hasn't individually and you haven't as a couple.

***We do love each alot and shes told me that a few times today, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough :-( ***

It sounds like she hasn't given up on the M, but you have...if you haven't...then think you should reconsider your separation decision.