seeing ex-wife in 3 days. need advice

[sandi2]

I think it is good that you recognize immaturity in both you and your wife. There's nothing wrong being immature, the problem is not doing anything about it. So, you are making a start by seeing a therapist and trying to fix yourself and to grow into the man you want to be.

I think your young wife is much less mature. In time, and with "life" being her School of Hard Knocks.....she may grow wiser, but there is no guarantee. She could leave a trail of destruction everywhere she goes., especially if she has enablers. Right now, she doesn't know what she really wants or needs......as in what's best for her. She is following her feelings. Meeting another guy and having the new high of romance, feels good. That is what she wants, at the moment. It's comparable to being a teenager and living in the moment.

She has been plain spoken about wanting you as her best friend. Although that may sound logical to your ears, and maybe hopeful......it isn't the best place for a husband. He is playing second fiddle and he is certainly not getting first place in the life of his wife. Anyone.........(do you hear me?).......anyone can be her friend. She can have hundreds of friends, some may even be considered her BFF....or she may have no friends....it makes no difference. B/C the position of Husband is for only one man. That position has it's own special emotional and physical connection that can't be compared to any other relationship. Why demote yourself to being just a friend while she goes from one man to another.....finding whatever makes her feel good.

For the record, I do believe that when a couple is seriously reconciling, their relationship may appear similar to what we define as "friendship", b/c the romance should not be pursued until they can progress to that stage of the reconciliation. However, this is not the status of your M at the moment. And, if you accept the position of being her friend while she dishonors you and the MR........do you seriously believe she will think of you in a loving, desirable way? She won't feel that deep, loving desire for you as her husband, until she fully respects you as a man. That's how women are wired. If she sees you settle for friendship while she's doing another guy......that respect isn't happening.

With her saying she misses you as her friend, it says she liked that part of you. But somewhere along the way, her respect for her H began to waiver, and that affected her desire. I don't think you will be able to talk her back into feeling the way a wife needs to feel for her H. I don't think you should try to press her about therapy. It doesn't help unless she sees for herself that she needs the help and is willing to do the necessary work.

My advice is to work on yourself by setting goals and growing into the male character you dream of becoming. Don't reach out to your wife through phone, email, FB, or through others. If your W calls, you can answer (I would discourage texting)......but don't talk about the marriage or try to convince her to return. Until she is ready to stop having affairs, you really should have little to discuss. You don't have to sound cold or mad. Let her do whatever talking there is, while you listen and give small responses. The point here is to show her (not tell her) that she cannot hold you in the friend or husband position, as long as she chooses to dishonor you and the MR. There is a difference in being polite and being chummy, know what I mean? I really think no contact at all would shake her up, but I don't know that you are strong enough to go cold turkey, What do you think? She needs to think she's lost you, and not being available for her to contact, and not responding is sending giving that message loud & clear. You're probably like most other guys.....you are afraid to do it, thinking you will lose her. Thing is....you've already lost her, but has she lost you?

Many times, when the wayward wife feels her husband has let her go......she realizes what she is throwing away. I'm afraid your young wife is not through running around, but IDK her personally. I have seen many, many young women doing the same actions and it usually takes quite a while before they grow up. So, if you want to focus on having a life there in California, then I think you should. If you want to wait awhile until you get involved with someone else, I think that would be wise. It's up to you as to how long you give your wife to see the light.

I think the first hint she gets of you pulling back, she is going to play all kinds of games with your head. But that's for another post.

These are just my opinions, so please continue posting and reading. It's your life and your decisions to make.

One more thing, nearly everyone who first arrive here think their situation is different, and I know why you asked about yours. Your wife is still wayward, and that is the approach you take. The fact that you were wayward in the past, gives no excuse, allowance, or exception for her cheating behavior....or in how you respond to her cheating. Taking a stand, does not make you a hypocrite......if you have straightened out your own life.