I am just home from a long day at work, and I have read your response to my questions. Just from my brief perusal of your responses, you are more reasonable and self knowing than you think. I need to do some chores and such, and maybe ponder a little on your words (I'm an introvert, so I need some marinading time). But my general impression is you have a considered view of your stbx as a father, you recognise both his strengths and his weaknesses. Your daughter is doing well currently, this is yours and her therapist assessment, and you obviously feel her desire to be in his space. There is definite room to move here. My feeling off the top, is your exhaustion, anxiety and fear, are colouring your ability to see the strengths of this situation and your ability to advocate for a happy medium, given how poorly stbx, acts out towards you. Control of yourself and less over him and playing to his strengths as a parent, and minimising his weaknesses seems the way to go.
I really do think there is more positive here and than negative. The fact that your lovely daughter is maturing and finding her balance and self in the midst of these circumstances is just amazing. Children with your daughter's diagnoses are super sensitive to their surroundings, including the invisible stressors, its like they have sixth sense to things being slightly off. However she sounds like she is growing, potentially thriving. Whatever you have been doing has been building her personal resiliencies and capacities. She may be able to buffer more than she was once capable off. Maybe she is fully aware of her father's shortcomings and somehow, someway she has learned to compensate. Maybe his "fun dad" is all she needs him to be. It is enough to fill her love bucket. Maybe she relishes a little flexibility and adaptability to her life and schedule, as she likely has a lot of structure and routine in the rest of her life. I really don't know Courage, I'm really just throwing some initial ideas around, trying to bring a Beginners Mind to this situation of yours.
But in all this, you my lovely woman, need some relief. I'm glad you are considering options. Oxygen mask analogy is appropriate here, but so too, is the brain can only handle so much. Trying new strategies and being solution focussed, requires a clear mind. Lack of sleep and genuine rest, means the body is in a constant state of flight, flight or freeze. You mentioned feeling paralyzed yesterday. Your mind and body are taking care of you. It believes you are under attack. First we work towards feelings of safety and decompression for the heightened state you are in.
V talks about extreme self care, particularly for those of us who have experienced high levels of conflict, possible abuse and trauma. Believe me this site is a testament to divorce being a traumatic life a event. It should be honored for those who have experienced it as such. Honor your overwhelm and exhaustion Courage. A friend of mine told another friend of mine, who has a very similar situation to yours (a spewing ex and a child with mental health vulnerabilities) , that it is like you are standing on your head, while juggling dinner plates, all the while trying to wrangle a set of wild cats, it's kind of reasonable that you would find it hard and exhausting.
Anyway Courage, I must away. But we are all here, to love and walk through this with you. You may feel alone in this, but there is always some here, ready to listen, and at the very least, pay homage to the amazing woman and mother you and what an AWESOME job you are doing!!!!
