Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PsySara]

ForGump,
I guess for me remorse means that WH will "get it" and be less likely to re-offend. What does it look like? Well to me it is him showing me he is shoring up his boundaries, telling me (with real emotion) how sorry he was and that he was wrong from beginning to end that he even thought to make another woman my equal in his eyes. But mostly I feel like remorse is actions, if he sees I am struggling he will embrace me and hold me if I break down and start to cry. That he will start doing the heavy lifting and tell me where he went wrong and how he will prevent it from happening again, and then actually DO it.

James,
Thank you so much for your POV, it is invaluable. It took real grit and courage to look within yourself and fox what was broken. Bravo, good man.

Ginger and BluWave,
I have not shared a lot of the day-to-day conversations and actions between WH and myself. I have caught him reading up on how to help your spouse recover from the affair, he has been actively approaching me asking if I am ok and if he can help me. Strangely enough I am unsure myself what I need...I had this list in the past but for some reason I don't want those items any more. At this moment I just want to enjoy my children's happiness, continue to enjoy my work and colleagues. I turn towards my support network and find comfort in their love and support. Honestly I may decide my WH's affairs are something I cannot move past but if so, then at least I will have a good relationship with the father of my children.

I have been following my DBing coach suggestions very closely, I have reviewed my notes and re-watched the videos I purchased from MWD. It appears when I apply the rules consistently, when I stopped letting my moods depend on WH's (I haven't written about a lot of his crashes, when he withdraws and sleeps in the spare room) when I do what makes ME happy...I feel joy and freedom. I ML with my WH because I want to, I enjoy it and it draws us closer. We've been able to disagree without arguing lately. Mostly I have let a LOT of things go that I used to choose as a hill to die on. Now the only things we disagree on and discuss are things that matter. I used to be a "right fighter" I was more concerned about being right over being happy. Since DBing I have had a radical change in my basic philosophy.

I show my husband warmth, tenderness, and a willingness to listen when I want to argue. He in turn is quick to apologize, be preemptive with being a father and husband (instead of me asking/nagging) has become gentle and considerate with me. He immediately asks if I am upset if he senses I am sad/upset. These are HUGE changes recently, of course consistency is the key. Honestly I am happy, I feel even if our M doesn't survive I will be okay.