Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Told the kids and everything went okay, but we’ll see what happens moving forward. S13 looked very disappointed in us (I can’t blame him) and said he knew this was going to happen..S6 didn’t seem to really care and just wanted to get back to the game he was playing, so that worries me a bit. But now I’m feeling pretty unsettled because of some other stuff…

So, we’ve set up a fairly details separation agreement and both agreed to it. It’s pretty much just about money and kids as he made it clear he does not want to work on the relationship at all, so it’s just logistical. The thing is, since we both work various jobs and also do freelance work, our childcare schedules have always been kind of complex and really only work because we work with each other to alter the schedule whenever either party has something out of the ordinary.

Well, now, the relationship is different and I don’t really feel like I want to bend over backwards to help him make more money than he is obligated to give toward his obligations, as I get nothing in return. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I do get it - I cannot expect anything from him, but he’s really asked me to look at our relationship differently, he’s told me he doesn’t even want to be separated - he wants to be divorced asap, he’s told me he can’t guarantee he’ll be faithful and indeed has women he’d like to pursue, and has said in both words and actions that he does not want to deal with my emotions/needs.

So, during these past few months, I’ve realized how much I had been bending to the needs of his minimal freelance career, all the while telling him we need him to get an actual job because we should not still be living paycheck to paycheck at this age and with two kids to support. Now, motivated by his desire to “escape,” he’s been applying for jobs like crazy and actually got one, but doesn’t want to give up the freelance work. All of that is fine, except it makes our agreement re: childcare schedule completely useless as every week he works different hours. If he gets his way, the kids will have no stable schedule at all. And as for me, as usual, I will not be able to count on any particular schedule.

I want to say that if I were still in a committed relationship where we were working to build a future together (as we had been for 27 years), I would continue to support him 1000 percent, including living with a completely random schedule, but now that I am being denied affection, care, respect, concern, and commitment and I am being told there’s no way in hell we are going to end up back together (said more nicely than that), it seems like he’s trying to get all of his freedom back without giving up any of the security of having me have his back.

Am I wrong?

How do I balance my rage about this with the kids’ needs to continue seeing him on a regular basis?