I re-read the section of when nothing is working, as that is where I feel I am. One of the reasons MWD gives of why it's not working is that when some spouses decide the M is over (my fear after the last incident with POM), it is and there's nothing the LBS can do about it. Her advice is you can't mind read and know if that is your situation and keep trying things until you just can't anymore.
Gordie, I will not contradict advice MWD gives, but you must realize that in MLC the tactics are similar but its more of the long game mindset. Things we do with a MLCr will not always provide immediate results for starters .... add that in with the fact they think these things you are doing are nothing but a ploy to trick them back into the miserable marriage they are so desperate to get out of. Summary .. They do not trust your changes are for real nor will they stick ... keep at it, though it may feel counter intuitive and not yielding results.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Over the weekend, the kids saw my W through the window at her place of business. We went in and W and POM were there alone working (nothing unusual) and the interaction was friendly and casual. When next I saw my W a few hours later, it was like a switch was flipped and her heart was totally turned off to me. She couldn't stand to be in my presence. She couldn't look me in the eye. This has never happened before.
This is a MLC trait, mine is horrible at this, still is. I link it to the guilt they wrestle with. On one hand they must prove to you, themselves and everyone watching this choice they are making is for the best ... deep down they know and they struggle terribly with it which is why they can not look you in the eye.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Maybe I need to be a warm and friendly neighbor!
Thats a good approach, keeping in mind that your neighbor may be nice one day and poop on your lawn later that night.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Yes, in the past, distancing has backfired (more of the same), so I have not been following that approach.
If you read a bit .. various sitches ... distancing is more for the LBS as a boundary, self protection. It only backfires when you are trying to use it to shock them out of the crisis, when you attach expectations on it or use it in a punishing way.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Wow, that is eye opening. Maybe I'm letting my W's feelings and actions determine my feelings and actions (opposite of detachment). She was pushing me away, so I was trying to give her even more space, but am afraid it gets interpreted as me ignoring her. Maybe as FG reminded me above, I just need to be warm and steady.
You have to find YOU. The guy you lost along the way, not many of us can make it through a 20 year relationship without losing chunks of who we are along the way ... this was the person who was confident and attractive ... it surely was what your W was drawn to. Now she sees the shell of a man who was, or this person who did not live up to what she thought he would be ..... now to be honest none of us would live up to that. Its Disillusionment on our spouses part and tied with MLC its the fuel that sends them running along with the issue they are not willing to face at this time in the crisis. ALL THIS IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL
The one thing you can control is you. Find yourself ... GAL, 180 PMA .. all that. Do things that push you out of your comfort zone and rediscover yourself. Its really all you can do while allowing them to go through their journey.
In your case its more difficult with her there .. the constant reminder day in and day out. Some would love for the MLCr to be under their roof ... others the opposite. Having been exposed to both, I personally prefer not being in the front row seat watching the crisis for my own sanity. So accept this is where things are and give yourself time away doing things ... she may act like it doesn't matter and ignore you but she is noticing I assure you.
