Never good enough

[010207]

It's been a few days since I've last posted. Not a lot has changed.

H still pushing for me to keep the house. I think more to appease his guilty conscience. There are days when he's a Chatty Cathy and then the next he's glacial. I can't ever predict the person he's going to be on any given day.

I had my first A appointment. That was really difficult. It's so difficult to actually look someone in the eye and tell them my H wants a D. I failed. I realize that's wrong, but it is how I feel. It was sad to hear my almost 20 year marriage broken down to dollar figures. He said, it's all numbers now. Maybe to him, but it's so much more than that to my family.

I think I've reached the acceptance part of the process. I'm doing well with detaching. H goes out and I'm not really bothered by it. I'm no longer wondering where he is or with who.

My MIL sent me a message that broke me. Basically said she hoped we would/could have worked it out. She has watched for years and knows how good I was to him and hated how he treated me. She said she wasn't blind to it but she had her own issues to deal with. Then told me I would always be family, SHE wasn't divorcing me.

I find myself still overly emotional about it today. I'm losing half my family. I'm losing what could have - should have been. Dreams. Plans. A future. I was doing well.... today not so much

[ForGump]

I'm right there w/ you on the hurt & the pain....

[010207]

I'm sorry Gump, was just reading your thread. I sincerely hope you find whatever peace you can wherever you can. Today s**ks, but I know it will get better

[ForGump]

I too thought I accepted certain things... then something would happen and I'd feel like my heart is being ripped out again. Hurting takes time, a long time, and healing takes times, a long time. Sometimes I do feel like I could just lie down and not wake up. But those moments pass, and I remember what joy my kids bring me, and there are things I still want to do in this life -- not the least of which is to be with someone great again.

But yes, I feel beat up by life, and that heart just can't stop remembering all that it felt for my wife. I need a heart transplant to forget.

[Dawgs]

Hi Chewie!

H still pushing for me to keep the house. I think more to appease his guilty conscience. There are days when he's a Chatty Cathy and then the next he's glacial. I can't ever predict the person he's going to be on any given day.

There is a reason he wants to keep the house and you need to find it. Would you be able to afford it without anything from him. That's first and foremost. I never could predict the craziness from my ex, either.

I had my first A appointment. That was really difficult. It's so difficult to actually look someone in the eye and tell them my H wants a D. I failed. I realize that's wrong, but it is how I feel. It was sad to hear my almost 20 year marriage broken down to dollar figures. He said, it's all numbers now. Maybe to him, but it's so much more than that to my family.

The initial lawyer appointment is second toughest (the toughest is when things are finalized. How on earth did you fail? Ridiculous statement is ridiculous. You didn't - HE DID. Period.

I find myself still overly emotional about it today. I'm losing half my family. I'm losing what could have - should have been. Dreams. Plans. A future. I was doing well.... today not so much

Yeah, I'd like to say it gets easier. It does, just not in the timeline we want. And for some, it never does.

[Gordie]

How close are you to 20 years? I'm past 20 years and I found out in my state that 20 years is the statutory magic number at which point I will pay alimony for the rest of my life. I hope your H is not trying to save himself money by rushing the D before your 20 year anniversary.

[Gordie]

Why is he pushing you to keep the house? How does he benefit from taht besides his guilty conscience? What do you want? Spend time thinking about that. Don't let him dictate the terms of your D.

[010207]

Hugs, Gump! The road we travel is bumpy. I hope it gets smoother. I'm sorry you hurt. Those good days will eventually come more often - with less bad days. I have to keep telling myself this too. I know it's true - it's just not always easy getting through the bad days.

Jeep and Gordie - I know my H and can tell you his reasons. His family is all about appearances. So, if my kids and I don't get put out on the street - well that looks better for him. Yeah, he moved on, but he took care of his family - what a good guy. The other reason is he could just walk away. Whatever "mess" is left isn't his responsibility anymore. Example - if a pipe is leaking - not his issue. He could leave everything and I could just be his free storage facility. This was our fight this morning so I know where his head is at.

As for what I want.... not sure it matters. I want to keep my house. If I could refi - then I would be able to do it, but only because of child support at this point. But my budget would be super tight. All those extra's my kids are used to would be completely out the window. This is part of what I am finding so hard about this entire thing. My kids are going to suffer. I hate that.

May would be 20 years, Gordie. In my state - alimony is half the length of time of marriage. There's no way for him to complete it before because it's a 4 month process after I've been served - start to finish unless one of us drags it out. However, I'm not sure I'll ask for alimony. He's offered to give me the equity from the house. so if I keep it - then I'll let him off the hook. If I have to sell it, then this may be crass, but I'll take everything I can get considering most of the equity will go to the realtor. I'm angry now.

[Dawgs]

Hi Chewie!

As for what I want.... not sure it matters. I want to keep my house. If I could refi - then I would be able to do it, but only because of child support at this point. But my budget would be super tight. All those extra's my kids are used to would be completely out the window. This is part of what I am finding so hard about this entire thing. My kids are going to suffer. I hate that

Maybe get a more affordable place? That way, with support the kids would still be in a more comfortable spot.

However, I'm not sure I'll ask for alimony. He's offered to give me the equity from the house. so if I keep it - then I'll let him off the hook.

The equity would come out to be much less, no? If so, why are you letting him off the hook? Oh, I'm right there with you on the anger as mine is a piece of work.

[010207]

PA confirmed when her fiancee called me. Two families destroyed because of 2 very selfish people.

I've spoken to the fiancee a couple of times. I've actually encouraged DB advice without mentioning where it came from. I feel bad for him because this is fresher for him than for me and his children are very young. I find myself going down that slippery slope again. Listening to the fiancee telling me how perfect she is, basically all the things WH wants, just simply drives home my own imperfections.

My rose colored glasses are off. I see my R for what it was and know that in the end, he's probably doing me a favor. It's just learning how to pick up all the broken pieces thats so hard.