Finding ME again

[Courage]

Hi Jelly! I do appreciate your questions and your concern. I'm going to try to answer them all and I hope that doing so will bring me some clarity. If not, maybe you could not-so-gently kick some clarity my way.

I am curious as to why you think you would not win full custody and why you think it would not necessarily be in your daughters best interest if you did. If you could divulge more of your thinking I would appreciate it.

Let's see if I can explain:

Stbx isn't incapacitated in any way, I mean, besides his long-standing struggle to be organized, plan, get things done. The tumor isn't affecting him as of yet. It's not growing (though he has not had a recent scan and is not forthright with information about his health to me because he thinks I'll use it against him) and is low-grade.

He's a good dad in a "fun dad" way. His biggest fear is that D9 won't remember him or that he won't leave a legacy for others to remember him. He has always been a let's-drop-everything-and-go-do-something-fun-today-dad and has never been super responsible about much. He has always been the squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease-guy so if a bill is WAY overdue, that's when it gets paid but if there are bills unopened sitting on the table, they'll sit there for two months because other things have priority and "he's only one man". This is also why we are only NOW getting 2014 taxes filed. I'm kicking myself that I wasn't more involved in our taxes during our marriage but I literally could not do it all.

I don't think that his lack of type-A-ness means he is disqualified from having custody of D9. Am I way off base?

He contends that he DESERVES to spend valuable time with her because he doesn't know how long he has left. I push that 50/50 is fine so long as she gets to her extracurriculars, gets her meds on time and that he picks up 50% of the responsibility (doctor's apts, dental apts, managing her prescriptions, makes sure I'm not being his mommy by having to remind him about things). He of course agrees that he will do all of that but previously when we had 50/50 custody, he was woefully unreliable. He'd "forget" about karate (even though it is at the same time every week for the last 3 years), he'd "forget" about piano (same time every week for the past 4 years), she'd get to bed late because after karate he'd go to the market since there was no food in the house and then they'd get home around 7:30 which is when he'd start cooking dinner.

Is it annoying? YOU BET! Is it super frustrating that he can't seem to handle 50/50 custody? YES! But does that mean D9 shouldn't spend that time with him?

I don't know. I've lost all judgement on what is right.

Are you working with any specialist regarding your family's presenting situation. I don't mean specialist for your daughters and stbx's diagnoses, and I don't mean a mediator. I mean, a home visiting specialist, who understands acute family dynamics and the impact of health and disability issues on family functioning.

No. It's not like stbx is lying in a hospital bed. He's up, working (when he has a job), driving, having a social life, etc.

There are some clear vulnerabilities here, you included, as the most functioning individual in this family system. The pressure to make the right choices, to ensure safety and maintain relationships is beyond a burden. The load needs to shared.

You're right. The load needs to be shared but stbx shares no burden and never has. He is VERY strong-willed and pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets his way. Fighting him is close to impossible. I begin to question whether I have any right to fight 50/50 custody. I'm not even sure I'd have any recourse if he "promises" to get D9 to all of her extra curriculars consistently and on time and then slowly becomes unreliable in that area (which is what has happened in the past and is basically his M.O. when it comes to areas of responsibility). What is the court going to do? "Oh, you don't take her to karate? Well, then you can't have custody." No, they won't do that.

When I call him on his slow decline of responsibility he denies it and then, like someone who has been gas-lighted for 20 years, I think I must be nuts. So I document and refer to it often. But not getting D9 to karate consistently, even though that's what he said he will do, is not egregious enough an offense to take away custody. Right? Or am I wrong here?

It is apparent that something is going to have to give, and soon and it feels like you daughter maybe the one who wears burden.

D9 is actually doing very well for the first time in years. The last few months she has shown a maturity and sense of self I've never seen in her before. Her therapist agrees that she is doing well and would be capable of handling a more flexible schedule. Things are less chaotic with her for sure, in the last two months.

I am trying to make sense of something from your writing. I keep coming back to you being scared of something, but can't work it out. What's stopping you from saying no to him. He is clearly struggling to the point where you believe it is impacting on your daughter's mental and emotional well being and her daily functioning. What's the barrier to stopping it? What would be need to happen for you to say no more for your daughter? For yourself?

I'm scared he won't keep his promise. I'm scared I won't have any recourse when he doesn't. I'm scared of saying no to 50/50 custody and spending $20K in court only to have them give him 50/50 custody. I'm scared of the damage all of this could cause D9. I'm scared of her saying to me, "why do I see dad so much less than I see you?! I want to see him more". I'm scared of her accusing me of keeping her from him when she's older and being angry with me. I'm scared of his slow decline in consistency with her will change how well she has been doing. I'm scared of being so exhausted that I won't fight for what is right. I'm scared I don't even know what IS right. I'm scared of being strong-armed and steam rolled by him. I'm scared of his gas-lighting. I'm scared I don't trust my own instincts. I'm scared of how anxious I am. I am scared of the power he has over me. I'm scared he'll make me out to be some controlling mother who doesn't understand a father's equal right to his child. I am just really scared.

You must be beyond exhausted, you say as much. Problem-solving and coping mechanisms decrease with people who at are mental and physical overload. Are you at burnout? If you are not, what would push you there? Is your daughter there? How bad does her behaviour and emotional dysregulation have to be before it is enough for her?

I am beyond exhausted. It's Wednesday and I think I've gotten 4-5 hours sleep total since Sunday night. Each day I slowly chip at my own argument for him not having as much custody. I say to myself, "maybe I am being too controlling. How bad could it be? She loves him and wants to be with him, there's no harm in that". My gut tells me he just can't handle it but the other hand is telling me that maybe I should let him fail? Again, I don't know.

Yes, I am getting close to burnout. I've resisted an anti-anxiety rx but I called my doc for one today. Not sleeping and panic attacks every time he emails or texts has me in a very unhealthy state and I realize that.

My daughter doesn't know about any of this custody discussion. She's pleasantly unaware and that's good. Things are stable for her and consistent (because stbx knows we may go to mediation and will soon be discussing custody, he is on his best behavior as far as being responsible with her). If she becomes unregulated because of his inconsistency or poor responsibility I will fight AGAIN but I'm not sure what recourse I'll have then.

The answers to these questions are important, as they guide the urgency with which actions need to take place and which ones are the most appropriate given what is presenting in the here and now.

Maybe we can help you nut this out.

I might sound over zealous in asking these questions Courage, but I am worried for you, your daughter and even stbx.

I take no offense if you do not feel like responding to any of the above. I completely understand.

I appreciate you asking these questions. I can feel that others are worried for me and that makes me feel like I should take more action but I am lost, JellyB. He has a justification for everything. I am dying to sit with the mediator and really spend the time to break down all of this about my concerns regarding his wavering responsibility / consistency, his health, etc. but if he is there (and he would be since it's mediation), he will interrupt, overpower, contradict, manipulate, gas light... ANYTHING and I get lost in his projection, conflation of the facts, deflection and steam rolling...

This whole process is so terrifying. It hits my fear center so pointedly. I need help. A strategy. I don't trust my judgement anymore. I can't see through the fog.