Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[Gordie]

Rose, thank you--always helpful.

***I think I missed something. Why are you doing LRT?***

Over the weekend, the kids saw my W through the window at her place of business. We went in and W and POM were there alone working (nothing unusual) and the interaction was friendly and casual. When next I saw my W a few hours later, it was like a switch was flipped and her heart was totally turned off to me. She couldn't stand to be in my presence. She couldn't look me in the eye. This has never happened before.

***Do you think not pursuing is the same thing as LRT?***

Yes, I see LRT as not pursuing in the extreme, but maybe I'm not understanding...make that probably not understanding (though I keep reading those sections of the book).

***Are you generally a distant person? I ask, because I'm not. I tend toward over sharing. So when people say, "act like you're talking to a neighbor" that doesn't mean the same thing for all of us.***

Well, I'm generally a distant person to strangers, but not distant around friends and family. For me, I would not ask my neighbor how their day was or how they are feeling. I wave and smile and say hello. That's about all I did with W yesterday. Gosh, what you said never occurred to me. Maybe I need to be a warm and friendly neighbor!

***I know our situations are different, and those differences might be key here, but for me, distancing backfired.***

Yes, in the past, distancing has backfired (more of the same), so I have not been following that approach.

***It was far more effective for me to be me but to work on living my life without letting the situation with H affect my mood. So in that way, it was like a neighbor. If I see my neighbor, we talk, I ask about her day, I talk about mine, I commiserate if she's having a bad day--but her bad day does not make me have a bad day.***

Wow, that is eye opening. Maybe I'm letting my W's feelings and actions determine my feelings and actions (opposite of detachment). She was pushing me away, so I was trying to give her even more space, but am afraid it gets interpreted as me ignoring her. Maybe as FG reminded me above, I just need to be warm and steady.

***Not sure any of this is useful, but hopefully something in there sparks an idea.***

Yes, as always Rose, you are a font of wisdom.