Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #7]

[100383]

p.s. I don't mean to make it sound like a war against your wife. It's not. It's about maintaining your spirit and not letting her chip away at it.

[ForGump]

Thanks 10.

Funny that you say steady character... I know it's partly true but these days I really feel like I'm being tossed around by some big waves in the sea. Walking around with my throat, heart and stomach in knots; my vision feels dim around the edges, and I could imagine myself shoveling dirt onto my own grave.

I know I gotta toughen the hell up, and put one foot in front of the other.

[100383]

Of course you feel that way. You're human and not a psychopath. Who wouldn't feel tossed around and lost in this situation? But you're going to keep your ship afloat despite the big waves. You won't let it capsize. This I know. And though you feel like you're dying a slow death...(I'm right there with you)...you're not.

[maly]

No, there is really no way to speed up the process and have a successful ending.

If your mlcing spouse is jarred or snatched out of his crisis, he will eventually go back into crisis and it will be far worse than the first time around. The best thing to do is leave him alone and give him plenty of time and space to figure things out. I know it's tough, but you've got to do it. It's a time for you to do the things that you haven't done in a while, a time to work on those things that you don't like about yourself and yes, live your life to the fullest. There is no guarantee that you and your spouse will reconcile. It's 50/50 change of going either way. The reason I say this is: 1) he may decide that it's too much work to reconcile; 2)too much damage was created during the crisis; 3) you may have moved on and discovered that you do not want him back. Bottom line, at the end of the day, the lbs is the one that will ultimately decide whether they want them back or not.

Dig deep for patience, stay positive and have faith in the man upstairs. Take care of yourself and keep the focus on you.
This was wrote by job on another post,

[ForGump]

Journaling:

I gave her the signed affidavit saying I got a copy of the petition.

She's been cordial but distant. I think I'm being distant too, but friendly.

For reasons I don't want to explain here, I'll be the one to move out after the divorce.

Suddenly it feels like my clock is ticking. So I looked at a few places today, and unexpectedly found a house that I really liked. So much so that I wished I could buy it. I put in an application to rent.

If that house works out, I could move there as early as mid-Feb. But I'll want a little time to get the house set up before bringing kids there. So early March is probably more likely. Will talk to our kids after I definitely have a place to move to.

The excitement of setting my new house buoyed my spirits at times. At other times, I felt like I had the flu.

I've been thinking forever about how we're going to tell our kids about the divorce. I think my older one (jr. high) will be sad but OK. The younger one (elementary school age) will be bewildered and sad.

Song in my head:

"Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say.
I think somebody better put out the big light,
cause I can't stand to see you this way."

(What can I say, I grew up in the late 70's, early 80's...)

I've also been thinking forever about how I'm going to break the news to my Mom (my Dad passed a few years ago). She doesn't know anything. She'll be utterly heartbroken for me.

[100383]

I'm glad you see some positive aspects of the move, that the new house lifts your spirits a bit.

Telling the kids is the worst, cruelest part. My mom doesn't know either. That won't be tough because she doesn't like my H.

That song is actually loving and forgiving. That's good.

[Dawgs]

I've been thinking forever about how we're going to tell our kids about the divorce. I think my older one (jr. high) will be sad but OK. The younger one (elementary school age) will be bewildered and sad.

The single, hardest thing I've ever done. Period. One of the worst things about it is that we don't have words to comfort their shattered world. And that's what it really is - their world will be shattered. How it shapes them (and it WILL shape them for life) depends a lot on what you do and how you react. I'm sure that you know the rule - never speak ill of their mom in front of them, no matter how bad she is. It will come back.

You are doing great, Gump.

I've also been thinking forever about how I'm going to break the news to my Mom (my Dad passed a few years ago). She doesn't know anything. She'll be utterly heartbroken for me.

No better way that straight forward.

[Gordie]

***I gave her the signed affidavit saying I got a copy of the petition. She's been cordial but distant. I think I'm being distant too, but friendly.***

Distant but friendly...that's a good one...it seems like I can only do distant/cold and friendly/warm...ugh...

***For reasons I don't want to explain here, I'll be the one to move out after the divorce.***

Sadly, I'm in the same boat...

***Suddenly it feels like my clock is ticking. So I looked at a few places today, and unexpectedly found a house that I really liked. So much so that I wished I could buy it. I put in an application to rent.***

I thought you were going to have to sell the house and everyone moves out?

***If that house works out, I could move there as early as mid-Feb. But I'll want a little time to get the house set up before bringing kids there. So early March is probably more likely. Will talk to our kids after I definitely have a place to move to.***

So you are going to wait longer to tell them, when you have the custody details worked out?

***The excitement of setting my new house buoyed my spirits at times.***

That's great!

***At other times, I felt like I had the flu.***

Physically, emotionally or both? Feel better.

***I've been thinking forever about how we're going to tell our kids about the divorce. I think my older one (jr. high) will be sad but OK. The younger one (elementary school age) will be bewildered and sad.***

If you have pointers for me, let me know. I too have a D soundtrack in my head so sad and funny at the same time. It's quite an eclectic group of songs, but the one on repeat is..."I can't make you love me, if you don't; I can't make your heart feel, something it won't..."

[ForGump]

Yes, that song is often in my head too, especially these lines:

"Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight"

I also find myself humming often "A Good Year for the Roses". I like both the GJ and EC versions.

I thought you were going to have to sell the house and everyone moves out?

My W will try to keep the house but I believe she will have great difficulty.

So you are going to wait longer to tell them, when you have the custody details worked out?

I personally would like to wait until (a) we agree to the terms of our divorce; and (b) I have a new place set up to move into. This is something yet to be fully discussed with my wife.

In my mind, I think it would be good to tell them on a Saturday, then go over and see the new home, and have them get a little excited (hopefully) about setting up their new rooms, and maybe take them shopping and/or have them work on settling in.

What I don't want is for them to get the news about having their world split in half, but then have no tangible idea of what that looks like. If it was all just theoretical, I think they'd just be confused and worried.

My half-baked thoughts at this point....

[ForGump]

***At other times, I felt like I had the flu.***

Physically, emotionally or both?

Both. Physical manifestation of depression.

It will pass. It has to.