Glad to see you back here getting support, I must have missed you the first time around. I arrived here back in March 2015. I don't post often anymore as there are only a few of my tribe left, V and Zues being among them.
I am curious as to why you think you would not win full custody and why you think it would not necessarily be in your daughters best interest if you did. If you could divulge more of your thinking I would appreciate it.
Through my work I have worked with a number of families in your position. Your situation is complex and easy to get lost in the day to day overwhelm and drama, that occurs with a child presenting with certain needs, her father with significantly compromised physical wellness and a life crisis related to death and loss, with the possibility of stxh dying, and the ending of marriage and family through divorce.
Are you working with any specialist regarding your family's presenting situation. I don't mean specialist for your daughters and stbx's diagnoses, and I don't mean a mediator. I mean, a home visiting specialist, who understands acute family dynamics and the impact of health and disability issues on family functioning.
There are some clear vulnerabilities here, you included, as the most functioning individual in this family system. The pressure to make the right choices, to ensure safety and maintain relationships is beyond a burden. The load needs to shared.
It is apparent that something is going to have to give, and soon and it feels like you daughter maybe the one who wears burden.
I am trying to make sense of something from your writing. I keep coming back to you being scared of something, but can't work it out. What's stopping you from saying no to him. He is clearly struggling to the point where you believe it is impacting on your daughter's mental and emotional well being and her daily functioning. What's the barrier to stopping it? What would be need to happen for you to say no more for your daughter? For yourself?
You must be beyond exhausted, you say as much. Problem-solving and coping mechanisms decrease with people who at are mental and physical overload. Are you at burnout? If you are not, what would push you there? Is your daughter there? How bad does her behaviour and emotional dysregulation have to be before it is enough for her?
The answers to these questions are important, as they guide the urgency with which actions need to take place and which ones are the most appropriate given what is presenting in the here and now.
Maybe we can help you nut this out.
I might sound over zealous in asking these questions Courage, but I am worried for you, your daughter and even stbx.
I take no offense if you do not feel like responding to any of the above. I completely understand.
I wish you all much light and love through this part of your journey.
