To confront or not confront cheating W?

[Vinny76]

Hello all. I am a previous poster that found evidence of an in going affair my wife has been involved in (she is unaware I know). My previous thread was a lot of back and forth on my struggles with confrontation - all of which blinded me from the advice many of the vets were giving me. I removed myself from the thread to absorb some of the 2x4s and take their advice and (try to) implement. Detachment GAL, boundaries, etc.

Now I am posting 4 months later to share my situation and hopefully get some insight and maybe provide some info that will relate - if not help - others.

My journey has been (as expected) up and down. Out of the gate I just started distracting myself. Doing whatever I could to keep my mind off the anger for my WW and her disregard for me, my family and her obsession with OM.

That turned into becoming somewhat detached. I became somewhat independent of her controlling nature and started to feel and understand how much she was actually suppressing me as a person. They talk about the fog of the WW. I realized I was in a fog myself!!! I started to look back at how I was treated through the years and I couldn't believe how I could allow my persona and aura to be snuffed out - it happened slowly but surely but she methodically was knocking me down, and then it quickly turned into her pushing me aside to build a new infrastructure for herself - money friends, etc. She does as little as possible in terms of quality time for kids - instead spends time online buying them clothes or signing them up for weekend or after school activities (she constantly proclaims that's how she shows her love.) Her "family" felt like it was a chore to her. A responsibility she needs to fulfill with little to no enjoyment. To give some quick background: my wife and I have had problems for about 6 years now which started out, as I thought, as stress with two working parents, with two kids and one with significant special needs. What I have come to find is she has been involved in affair with an ex boss of hers - that I know - for years (how many I don't know).

Anyways - Ultimate betrayal for me, and I am able to look to the past and what is happening in the present with new clarity.

I plan to post more on what has transpired over the past few months, but the one thing I wanted to throw out within this specific post is something in our past that really hit me between the eyes. I have unknowingly "DB'd" successfully TWICE in our past.I am curious what some of the vets think of this:

First: when we were first dating, she had an ex BF of about 7 years. We broke up after about 6 months of dating and she went back to the old BF. I pursued lightly for a few months to no avail, and finally let her go and moved on. Long story short: I stopped pursuing, she purses me lightly, and one night saw me out and not paying attention to her and it drove her crazy. She pursed me with a full court press and we began dating again - (this time for good). She admitted to me she was seeing him the last month of our first dating experience and that why she pushed me away. (She made me break up with her as she didn't have the stones, she pushed me away to the point it was obvious she didn't want to be with me.)

Before I move on OBVIOUSLY a sign of things to come. Cheating, dismissal and unable to face me about the situation just push my buttons until I LEAVE. makes
Me the bad guy. The true detachment drew her back.

Second: this was 3 years ago. We were having issues and we were stressed to move into a better town for better schools for our son with Special needs. We sold our house, and moved into an appt. for a year while our dream house was being built in the town we loved. At that point I was so happy to have sold our old house, my career was taking off, and I designated to bring nothing but positive energy and confidence to everything in my life. I became much more assertive (positively) about our organizing our lives, planning our free time together and being a bit more alpha male. She took notice almost immediately, and could tell she was drawn to me. She is VERY closed always has been with serious topics or her feelings. And has never extended an olive branch to make things better between us. But after a few weeks she came to me, sat me down, and said she wanted to be better for me and wanted to work things out by going to a therapist to figure herself out a bit. She was very positive about it. Here is the important part - my reaction: I was floored she would mention the dirty word "therapy" my mindset was that was just for people who had real issues and CERTAINLY not something WE or SHE needed. We just need some positive momentum to get us back on track right? Anyways I reacted very taken aback and questioning her what she meant, why she would need to go to therapy to be with me and to be happy. She was obviousky upset with my reaction to what she thought was a "good thing". Sarcastically telling me "thanks for the support". I immediately changed my tune and became super supportive but I think the damage was done. From there she began therapy and wouldn't tell me ANYTHING about it - only telling me "I think I'm pretty screwed up, probably need medication." From there it was all down hill - we moved into our dream house and she went from "Luke warm" to completely distant overnight. It was like she was holding out for us to move in this house to totally turn on me.

So in this last experience, I see that my unintentional "DBing" drew her back to me as she was reaching out for help - and now I know she was dealing with the OM - I had totally smashed the "lighthouse". I burned a bridge of providing her support and solice.

What is obvious based on my other posts she is now in therapy to try and repai her relationship with him (not me). Anyways that is neither here nor there. I have had some success and failures with. Iundaries and detaching, and I have chosen to NOT confront about the affair - just apply DB techniques - all in an attempt to repair myself and benefit my wellbeing.