Never good enough

[010207]

It's been a few days since I've last posted. Not a lot has changed.

H still pushing for me to keep the house. I think more to appease his guilty conscience. There are days when he's a Chatty Cathy and then the next he's glacial. I can't ever predict the person he's going to be on any given day.

I had my first A appointment. That was really difficult. It's so difficult to actually look someone in the eye and tell them my H wants a D. I failed. I realize that's wrong, but it is how I feel. It was sad to hear my almost 20 year marriage broken down to dollar figures. He said, it's all numbers now. Maybe to him, but it's so much more than that to my family.

I think I've reached the acceptance part of the process. I'm doing well with detaching. H goes out and I'm not really bothered by it. I'm no longer wondering where he is or with who.

My MIL sent me a message that broke me. Basically said she hoped we would/could have worked it out. She has watched for years and knows how good I was to him and hated how he treated me. She said she wasn't blind to it but she had her own issues to deal with. Then told me I would always be family, SHE wasn't divorcing me.

I find myself still overly emotional about it today. I'm losing half my family. I'm losing what could have - should have been. Dreams. Plans. A future. I was doing well.... today not so much