Finding ME again

[Courage]

Wait a minute - I'm not sure that you can make an accurate diagnosis of narcissism (OR ADHD) in the presence of thyroid cancer and a brain tumor.

He had ADHD long before the thyroid cancer or brain tumor diagnosis. Like over 20+ years before either.

Both of those things can seriously impair his thinking and memory so it's no wonder he can't get her to her karate classes.

He has never been able to manage a schedule, plan for the future, consider the impact of his actions on anyone else... these are all executive function issues stemming from ADHD. He pays bills late, can't use a calendar with alerts to help him remember appointments, has terrible time management and prioritization skills and ALWAYS has. These existed long before the thyroid or brain tumor. I've known him since he was 19 and have met friends of his who has known him since childhood and they have said that he was always that way.

Serious personality changes can happen with a brain tumor (benign or cancerous) and, to a lesser degree, with thyroid hormone imbalances.
So - even if he's always been a jerk, your approach to dealing with him right now has to take his serious mental handicaps into account.

You're absolutely right, kml, though I have no idea how. He seems "stable" for a couple months, easier to work with, somewhat communicative and sometimes even pleasant and friendly and then out of no where he's angry, yelling, accusing me of doing things I haven't done and never, ever would. He becomes vindictive and full of rage and says I manipulate everything. He projects everything onto me and, by the way, it is ALL my fault.

He inconsistently takes his thyroid meds which impacts his energy significantly (and possibly behavior), he's on adderal for ADHD but he takes that inconsistently, too. I think he's on an antidepressant that he takes inconsistently as well and because the brain tumor has taken over his hypothalamus, he is on testosterone shots as well, and those can bring on anger/argumentativeness also.

To say it's a roller coaster is to put it mildly.

Maybe it would help to look at him like someone with Alzheimer's. Would you expect your grandmother with Alzheimer's to get her to karate on time? Or would you make other arrangements to get her there, or perhaps take her out of grandma's care altogether?

No, I wouldn't expect someone with alzheimers to take on any real responsibility of any kind but he INSISTS that my standards are too high in order to absolve himself of having to take any responsibility at all.

If your ex is having so much difficulty, would he be willing to give up some custody? (Let him be weekend Disneyland dad and you have her during the week?) Or if not, can you document everything and then go to court to reduce his custody (as it sounds like his judgment and memory are impaired by his medical problems)?

He is literally fighting me SO HARD for between 6% and 10% custody. Yep, you read that right. We currently have a 40/60 custody split with the overwhelming majority of our daughter's karate/piano, etc falling on MY nights because he not only struggles to get her anywhere on time but he doesn't ensure she has what she needs, etc. This is his example of me being too controlling and having exceptionally high expectations. It's not too much to ask that she get to karate, on time (if not a little early so she can settle into the transition since that's a struggle for her sometimes) with everything she needs for a successful class behaviorally, emotionally, and physically. These are not new extracurriculars. These existed before separation and are GOOD for her in a myriad of ways.

He wants 50% custody and is willing to take me to court for it. I have proposed private mediation and his attorney said he was open that but I'm not totally sure of that because he keeps threatening to file a motion with the court. He doesn't want to be seen as the Disneyland dad but that is actually what he is: the "let's go do something fun and forget about any responsibilities like managing / monitoring screen time, getting meds on time consistently, consistent bedtimes, getting showers consistently, etc". He wants the credit for being a "good dad" but is unable to take on the responsibility that goes with it. He doesn't even know our daughter's dentist's name let alone where she is located and even if he ever did take her (which he has never done) he wouldn't communicate anything the dentist said back to me so I then either have to draaaaag it out of him, call the dentist directly or perhaps even take our daughter BACK for a follow-up that he should have handled or communicated.

It's a nightmare.

He wants 50/50 custody because, as he says, "he has a brain tumor and he doesn't know how long he'll actually have to spend precious time with" our daughter but, on weekends he has her he sleeps in until noon. How is that precious time?

Also - for your daughter - two things. First, look up data on phosphatidyl serine and ADD. It's a benign supplement that was shown in one study to work as well as Ritalin for kids with ADD, it's not a stimulant and usually no side effects.

Second - does she really have ODD, or could she possibly have some OCD instead? An older, but excellent book on the subject is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport. Also an excellent parenting book for kids with extreme personality traits is Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas.

She is officially and clinically diagnosed with ADHD and ODD by a panel of doctors (each with a different area of expertise) through USC Children's Hospital. She exhibited no signs traits of OCD.

I plan to bring up stbx's health issues with the private mediator even though he has specifically asked me to "not use his health against him". I feel that if he's using it as a way to acquire custody that he genuinely cannot handle, I then can express my genuine concern about it. I'm insecure about that though. I feel like it's fighting dirty even though I know deep down I have to fight for what's right for D9 and that may mean less time with her dad.

I hate this. Every single second of it.