A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[PacLove]

PacLove, Can you give some examples of things you would have done different if you had to do it over?

Hmm where to start... I'll break it down in a few areas:

Pre-Discovery:
What I did:
I was overly controlling and assumed everything was good. When she wasn't interested in ML I researched it and tried to push her too much instead of realizing what was actually going on. Also bought her expensive gifts.

What I would do differently:
Trust my instincts, but before that even, try to recognize the issues in the M and address them before its too late.


Discovery:

What I did:
I approached and accused same day I found some evidence, to which she denied - I laid low for 2-3 months accepting her answer but then things got suspicious again and I started "sleuthing" on my part, begging and and trying to work on R when W wasn't really "in it". This also led to ~3-4 big blowups/accusations over the course of ~6 months as I gathered more evidence until I finally had enough to prove it.

What I would do differently:
Not confront right away, gather concrete proof early while she is unaware I know, then simply state I'm aware of the A, no need to deny it, you can sleep in the other room. Then continue about my business, be pleasant but not engaging. Basically most of the 37 rule stuff.

Before Separation:

What I did:
Forced counselling, tried to "woo" her back, still spied on her.

What I would do differently:
Lay low, go about my own business and improve myself, but be polite and cordial.

Separation:

What I did:
Stated I didn't want a D, tried to convince her it's not the right thing for us, then drew up hard boundaries around finances, child, access to house etc. Was short with her on the phone when she reached out etc.

What I would do differently:
Probably say that I don't agree but it's her choice and she's entitled to her own decisions. Then clearly layout the consequences of those decisions and boundaries I'd be putting up to protect myself - ie finance, child, access.

Re-engagement:
What I did:
I stated that I was thinking about D instead of asking her what she wants.

What I would do differently:
Listen, be open, and supportive - most of this I am doing right now and being patient. Letting W engage when and if she wants.