I have detached a bit more to the point where I feel able to stop looking at emails. Ginger1's message about my hurting myself and delaying recovery really helped bring the message home. I will contend that the snooping was productive in that it helped me detach and see WH in reality as opposed through my fog of despair and longing. He's still playing me, but now because I know what I know, I'm able to look at him and go mentally 'yeah, whatever', and not obsess for hours about the smallest throwaway glance, the most innocuous phrasing of words.
I maintain the WH is still trying to mess with my head. He went to see marriage counsellor guy on Saturday, and sent me a text on Sunday saying thanks for sending him his way, what an amazing guy. I just agreed and left it at that, didn't do the probing my old self would have done.
Saw WH at mediation yesterday and he brought up seeing marriage counsellor again. He said he had been really ill with a cold and so wasn't able to think about what he said to him. I feel he knows this would normally catch my attention - that he's willing 'to think'. Sometimes I feel he's acting like a cat playing with a mouse. But because I've seen the level of cosiness between him and OW through their messages, I know this is just a front - to destabilise me while he organises himself. I just shrugged and said "oh ok".
During mediation, I mentioned I've 'caught up' - the mediator said in our last session when I asked WH to reconcile and WH remained silent, that he saw this often - one spouse leaves and the other is mentally lagging behind. I said I am not looking for reconciliation any more. And then proceeded to pin him down on maintenance. Which I really enjoyed.
