The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Thanks bttrfly, for the hugs. I realize that your post was based on the info from the previous post. I almost wish that I hadn't called XH; but actually, as I said in the post right after, I made some connections to the overwhelming importance of his downtime.

After more thought, I realized that he may never "get it". His downtime and vacations are so important to him that he sees anything or anyone who could possibly cause an issue with those times off as a personal threat or affront. He may never see, for instance, that he recreated me as a bully and a threat to his fun only AFTER he started planning our (yes, OUR) vacations with Bubbles and focussing more on her than me. I was told at one point pre-separation to "stop beating me (him) up". This was after I had found out about their weekend alone together and refused to go on a ski trip with him and Bubbles family, so he chose to go with them alone. He was drunk and angry with me and questioned why I wouldn't hop in the car and join him there, after I had already explained days before that I had no desire to even be in the same room with him and her together. I explained it again and that was the response I got.

During separation, I had asked if I worked on the things I needed to change about me, would he consider ever getting back together with me, and his response was, "could you stop beating me up whenever I try to have fun." The idea of me as the "bully" keeps popping up. He has been talking lately about bullys a lot, too. The last time he vented to me, he spoke of his dad being a bully and compared him to our old next door neighbor. He told me our next door neighbor only wanted to be our friend so he could bully us. So, I wonder, if he feels I bullied him...does he think I only was close to him so that I could bully him? I have never seen him as this insecure, scared, victimized little boy that I'm seeing lately.

Along those same lines, he told me of how horribly his older brother was victimized by a kid in middle school. He was beaten up one time and humiliated by the kid when, during the beating, the kid ripped his clothes off of him. I wonder sometimes, if it actually happened to HIM? Or did it leave such an impression because he witnessed it (he never spoke of it as if he saw it...he just told the story in a detached way). And he was embarrassed more than concerned acting when D24 was victimized by a group of girls in middle school, like he wished it would just go away. Over-thinking again. And mind-reading.

Each time we have spoken, as of late, I learn something new about him. I really don't know him right now. He seems so different than the man I thought I knew. Either I've been blind to this all along, or the stresses have really brought things forward. Either way, I don't think he's in a place to see his part in this very clearly. That the bully in this picture was really him. And just like most bullies, his actions are based on his own fears and percieved weaknesses.

Meanie me, I wouldn't let him do anything fun.