Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[Gordie]

Yes, she's definitely pulling away--as fast as she can to get away from me. But you know what's different? I am. I'm not chasing her. I'm letting her go. It still hurts. I'm still sad. I'm still angry. She needs to chase her fantasy...without me.

No talk of divorce in the past week, but I gave her everything she needs to file several weeks ago so it could be at any time, when she is ready. We still haven't told the kids. I still have made no plans to move out as I said I wouldn't until it was official. Heck, we're still in the same bed, but it's been very cold in there. She has flip flopped a lot, but ever since the incident with the POM, she has hardened her heart.

Yes, we still speak to each other, but she keeps her emotional and physical distance. She seems like she's got a lot on her mind and a heavy heart. She gave me a positive comment on one of my GAL activities. That was unexpected.

I've been letting her take the lead on physical touch, so if she doesn't want a touch or a kiss hello or a kiss goodbye, it's not happening. It feels awkward but I definiteiy don't want to kiss someone who doesn't want to be kissed. Truthfully, I miss being physical and being physically desired, but I guess this is all part of the process.

I do still pray that my M gets saved before D, but if not before D, then after D. And I pray for my children, my poor children. They shouldn't have to go through this. And I pray for my W, that she would be healed from her wounds, that she find what she is looking for, and that she can be happy. And I pray for me, that I learn and grow and change in the way that God desires and that I can be happy too, with or wolithout my W.