Hi everyone. Her is a brief overview of my situation. Any advice is much appreciated.
Wife left 4 months ago and said 'I will be back when you get your crap together'. (Her and a new found best friend left at the same time, and stayed together for 2 weeks at friends moms house. I feel the friend convinced her to leave bc misery loves company.) That meaning committing to spending more time with her and the kids, slack up on drinking on weekends, and getting rid of the stressors in my life(bad employees). We own a business so life is stressful! Well I immediately started MC alone, she refused to go(said she has wanted to go for years). Few weeks go by with her being really bitter and resentful. On week 4 she completely moves all hers and the kids stuff to her grandmothers house, files for divorce and bankruptcy. Grandmothers house is next to her parents, who have encouraged her to leave and provided her with all financial assistance. Essentially enabling this type of behavior. Wife did go to marriage counselor 3 times, twice to berate me and once alone to tell counselor she was filing for d. We have only had one face to face convo regarding our marriage during this 4 months and it was the divorce mainly. Now the stuff that has me confused. She Always takes my calls and always answers my text. When I do offer to do things to help with kids, wife says 'you never wanted to do that before'. And that's basically her answer to most things. With the exception of a 3 week span around xmas, she has been really cold and resentful.
When I do try to discuss our marriage with her, she says she doesn't want to keep re-hashing the past and can't have this stress in her life right now. In person, her attitude is totally different, she is nice and almost timid, like she regrets her decision. I feel she has limited face to face encounters for this reason. She states that she has to go thru with divorce to prove she is serious this time. Really don't know what to do. She basically up and walked away from everything. Any chance of reconciling? This woman is my world. Please help
Me: 32 yo. 1st marriage D:6 SS:10
Wife: 31 yo 2nd marriage D:6 S:10
We were together 9 yrs, married 6.5.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/31/1706:12 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
When I do try to discuss our marriage with her, she says she doesn't want to keep re-hashing the past and can't have this stress in her life right now.
Listen to Cadet. You can't convince your W to come back with your words.
What did you do to contribute to the death of your M? What do you want to change about yourself? This is the only thing you can control.
You are in a lot of pain but you are not alone. Do you have a support system in place to help you besides the MC?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have started reading DR, on pg 60. I have backed off on the talks, only about kids. Just having a really hard time understanding her actions. She went from madly in love to filing for divorce, almost overnight. She is in the mindset that now that our whole relationship was terrible and make the comment 'you hurt me,you can't heal me'. I keep replaying our relationship in my head to see if there is any merit to her thinking. Is this just typical behavior for a WAW?
Gordie....no real support system other than my parents. All friends were friends of hers bc I moved to where she grew up.
She sees the changes, just thinks they are temporary. I have to prove otherwise
She seems to be moving full steam ahead with divorce. I have been served and she says I should have the settlement proposal anytime. This could be a bluff as I haven't seen it yet.
I'm trying to be someone only a fool would leave....just can't offer a lot financially to her right now. When she left the business went way south, all money going to equipment payments now. Of course I can of feel apart as well, the business was a huge factor in her leaving. Maybe she knew by leaving, the business would fail and that if I changed too, we could have a stress free life moving forward!
I notice your W had another marriage and was divorced at 22. Do you have any insights into what happened then? Is this a pattern repeating or are there different circumstances?
Any idea if there is another man in the picture now?
In the meantime that W has been gone, what kind of 180s have you been doing? What kind of goals do you have for yourself?
This is true. What you can heal is yourself. What kinds of behaviors would you like to change going into your next relationship (whether it is a reconciliation or with another woman)?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
