seeing ex-wife in 3 days. need advice

[Seeker7]

You are right about you can not control her new relationship or can you control what happens to her emotionally. Now for the friends you can be friends but that will depend on her willingness and how much it will hurt you emotionally. If you are not emotionally detached from her then I would not do it until that happens.

Now is it over between you two? Who knows. No one can predict the future. My parent know a couple that were divorced for five years and they got remarried. But one thing is for sure is that you should not put your life on hold for her. If you do not want to date that is up to you but differently GAL.

[Dawgs]

But one thing is for sure is that you should not put your life on hold for her

Read this over and over and over.

[MoveFrwd]

1. i know i can't control anything about her new relationship, but i just wanted to hear opinions. Because her new relationship happened so fast (they had one dinner and then professed their love for each other, he's 4 years younger than her, only been dating each other for a month, and smokes marijuana everyday, but said he'll stop for her, is the opposite of what she usually would have dated) i always wished that this thing was temporary. but she says they are really in love, and thinks they will end up with each other. i think my wife really just always wanted someone to love her no matter what, and i think this guy will probably do that despite his other shortcomings. i wonder if perhaps maybe they are really right for each other? i was never able to cherish my wife while we were together, and i devastatingly regret it. should i just tell her i am happy for them, and they are good together?

It may end quickly. It may not. How do most relationships that begin as such end up? Id say the odds are against them. But all you can do is live your life and see what happens.

But I wouldnt tell her that you are happy for 'them'. You can say you are happy that she seems happy. But I wouldnt go any farther than that.

2. is it possible for me and my wife to really be close friends? should i detach and not talk to her for a year?

It's certainly possible you can be great friends. The DB coaches believe this is the best way to rebuild a relationship. In my opinion, though, it wasnt a choice I was willing to make. Im not interested in a friendship with my ex. I was fired as a spouse and replaced by another. I dont want to be friends with someone with those values.

3. is it really over between us? i know we can't predict the future. but it seems like all the writing is on the wall and i should just close the door on this? i just don't want to because i feel that if I heal, we really would be ideal for each other. she has said this as well, but says right now what's in front of her, she doesn't see a chance, and thinks i'll be happier with another girl. it'll take me a long time to change. I'm committed to changing, but i'm just afraid there is no hope between my ex and I.

This is your fear talking. In my opinion, live your life as if she is never coming back. Heal as you need to and live. It's up to you if and when you want to close that door. Theres an amazing life you can have with that door still open.

[james17]

Thanks so much for your advice. I'm trying to follow your suggestions and working hard to move on with my own life. I can see that is the only and best option. However, I can't shut the door on my relationship just yet. I loved Kaizen's message that i can still lead an amazing life with the door still open.

my ex and i talked yesterday for a while. she said she missed me, her best friend. i told her i missed her too. we talked a lot about some of the mistakes we made in our relationship. It hurt a lot as my ex wife said that she is so happy and can't see herself ever leaving her current bf despite dating only one month. she urged me to move on from her. she said that he was on his own since he was 17 and would never leave her because he needs her. this makes her feel safe and she feels this is the thing she has been missing her whole life, and allows her to grow. we both agreed it's probably not the healthiest situation for her but she says this is what she wants and needs, and i said i was happy that she was happy.

but I asked her, "wouldn't you rather have someone who loved himself and loved you unconditionally as well? wouldn't you rather have a pure love that isn't based on attachment/need?" and she agreed that it would be better. i'm not mature enough, and have my own issues, but feel i can get there one day.

meanwhile, my therapist on the other hand, thinks my ex-wife and I are really not right for each other and urges me to move on and find someone else. my work now is to try to really detach from her and GAL. i hope that one day, she can feel the change in me and come back. my problem is whenever i feel that reconciliation is hopeless, i get depressed. but that's the definition of detachment i guess. that's the kind of man i want to be.

[MoveFrwd]

she said she missed me, her best friend. i told her i missed her too.

Maybe instead, next time tell her that best friends dont treat each other as she did.

Basically, my point is that you should stop having these rehashing conversations. All they do is bring the words "Im not in love with you" to the front of her mind.

[james17]

thanks for responding Kaizen. one difficulty i have with this DR and DB in general, is that I was the one who first had an emotional affair, and acted mean to my ex wife that pushed her away. so i was the one who treated her poorly first. and now she is the one that left.

does that change the DR and DB dynamic? do i still treat her as a WW when i was the one that was WW first? and i thought that talking about our relationship was good, so we could kind of work through any roadblocks to being together in the future?

[Dawgs]

I'm going to rehash what Kaizen said. Solid advice.

one difficulty i have with this DR and DB in general, is that I was the one who first had an emotional affair, and acted mean to my ex wife that pushed her away. so i was the one who treated her poorly first. and now she is the one that left.

does that change the DR and DB dynamic? do i still treat her as a WW when i was the one that was WW first? and i thought that talking about our relationship was good, so we could kind of work through any roadblocks to being together in the future?

At this point, any looking to the future should only concern yourself. As has been said on here, she is on her own road now as evident by her statement - and her road doesn't have room for you, unfortunately. What does this mean for you? Well, it means that you must travel your own road. Sure, you can leave room for her if you so choose at a later point in time, but remember that this is your road, not hers. If she decides to join you, she will, but don't hold a place for her in hopes that she will come back.

[sandi2]

I think it is good that you recognize immaturity in both you and your wife. There's nothing wrong being immature, the problem is not doing anything about it. So, you are making a start by seeing a therapist and trying to fix yourself and to grow into the man you want to be.

I think your young wife is much less mature. In time, and with "life" being her School of Hard Knocks.....she may grow wiser, but there is no guarantee. She could leave a trail of destruction everywhere she goes., especially if she has enablers. Right now, she doesn't know what she really wants or needs......as in what's best for her. She is following her feelings. Meeting another guy and having the new high of romance, feels good. That is what she wants, at the moment. It's comparable to being a teenager and living in the moment.

She has been plain spoken about wanting you as her best friend. Although that may sound logical to your ears, and maybe hopeful......it isn't the best place for a husband. He is playing second fiddle and he is certainly not getting first place in the life of his wife. Anyone.........(do you hear me?).......anyone can be her friend. She can have hundreds of friends, some may even be considered her BFF....or she may have no friends....it makes no difference. B/C the position of Husband is for only one man. That position has it's own special emotional and physical connection that can't be compared to any other relationship. Why demote yourself to being just a friend while she goes from one man to another.....finding whatever makes her feel good.

For the record, I do believe that when a couple is seriously reconciling, their relationship may appear similar to what we define as "friendship", b/c the romance should not be pursued until they can progress to that stage of the reconciliation. However, this is not the status of your M at the moment. And, if you accept the position of being her friend while she dishonors you and the MR........do you seriously believe she will think of you in a loving, desirable way? She won't feel that deep, loving desire for you as her husband, until she fully respects you as a man. That's how women are wired. If she sees you settle for friendship while she's doing another guy......that respect isn't happening.

With her saying she misses you as her friend, it says she liked that part of you. But somewhere along the way, her respect for her H began to waiver, and that affected her desire. I don't think you will be able to talk her back into feeling the way a wife needs to feel for her H. I don't think you should try to press her about therapy. It doesn't help unless she sees for herself that she needs the help and is willing to do the necessary work.

My advice is to work on yourself by setting goals and growing into the male character you dream of becoming. Don't reach out to your wife through phone, email, FB, or through others. If your W calls, you can answer (I would discourage texting)......but don't talk about the marriage or try to convince her to return. Until she is ready to stop having affairs, you really should have little to discuss. You don't have to sound cold or mad. Let her do whatever talking there is, while you listen and give small responses. The point here is to show her (not tell her) that she cannot hold you in the friend or husband position, as long as she chooses to dishonor you and the MR. There is a difference in being polite and being chummy, know what I mean? I really think no contact at all would shake her up, but I don't know that you are strong enough to go cold turkey, What do you think? She needs to think she's lost you, and not being available for her to contact, and not responding is sending giving that message loud & clear. You're probably like most other guys.....you are afraid to do it, thinking you will lose her. Thing is....you've already lost her, but has she lost you?

Many times, when the wayward wife feels her husband has let her go......she realizes what she is throwing away. I'm afraid your young wife is not through running around, but IDK her personally. I have seen many, many young women doing the same actions and it usually takes quite a while before they grow up. So, if you want to focus on having a life there in California, then I think you should. If you want to wait awhile until you get involved with someone else, I think that would be wise. It's up to you as to how long you give your wife to see the light.

I think the first hint she gets of you pulling back, she is going to play all kinds of games with your head. But that's for another post.

These are just my opinions, so please continue posting and reading. It's your life and your decisions to make.

One more thing, nearly everyone who first arrive here think their situation is different, and I know why you asked about yours. Your wife is still wayward, and that is the approach you take. The fact that you were wayward in the past, gives no excuse, allowance, or exception for her cheating behavior....or in how you respond to her cheating. Taking a stand, does not make you a hypocrite......if you have straightened out your own life.

[TxHubby]

There is always hope but honestly I'd advise you to move on. That's your quickest path back to happiness.

[james17]

aizen, Jeep, Seeker, TxHubby, sandi2, thanks so much for the kind words and advice. I took the past week to really think about what each of you said, and did a lot of internal work with my therapist to work this stuff out. my mind keeps changing about things on a daily basis, so i’m trying to write to work out my stuff.

sandi2, i'm very grateful for your long thoughtful post. I had a lot of thoughts and questions about what you said, especially about respect.

1. her waywardness. I can see now that emotionally she is WW. technically, i would not define what she is doing as cheating though. I was WW first, and we signed the divorce papers in december. she started seeing the OM jan 1st. legally the divorce will be auto-finalized soon, but for all intents and purposes, it seems like we are divorced. emotionally, however, right up until jan 1st, she said she still wanted to try to date me and work things out.

2. being friends eventually. i have not been calling or texting her at all. however, she calls or text me every few days to check up on me. the weird thing about our relationship is a year ago when I told her i didn't want to be with her anymore, and was mean to her, she moved to her parents house for several months. she told me she stopped seeing me as a husband, but still chose to have me in her life as a friend. we talked every single day still. i was really touched. I think eventually i would like to be her friend and be there for her as she was for me during my fog and WW. but for the time being i can’t handle it. it’s not good for me. also, it’s a different situation because she is with this OM. i wonder, if i can really detach, and not want to be with her, would contact and friendship still make her lose respect for me? even if i get my own life together? would being close friends just always make her not respect me while she has a bf? do i need to tell her i don’t accept her leaving me for another man? it feels kind of wrong seeing as how when i told her i didn’t want to be with her, she still wanted to be my friend. also we are pretty much broken up now. about a week ago, my friend convinced me to tell her we should not speak for a full year so that we could both grow. i told her that, and she said she’d respect it if that’s what i needed, but she thought that we were closer than that and able to be friends. i told her i’d think about it.

3. are we even right for each other? after talking with my therapist and my close friends, they say that due to our issues, we just aren’t right for each other. we had a co-dependent relationship that was not based on a mature love. i have a chance to work on my issues, love myself, and get it together. she has a chance, but her current relationship with her bf is also based on attachment, and i think would slow her personal growth. these types of unhealthy relationships may last a long time, though. nothing i can do about it.

4. building a bridge for the future and what to do now. i hope that we can heal and grow, and perhaps we can be together again one day. i can’t be friends with her now, contact with her is like a drug. i’m working a lot on myself. been going to meditation classes, a lot of job interviews, hanging out with friends, and continued therapy to work on childhood trauma. i may meet someone else in the future who is better for me. but i still hope the person i meet is a mature version of my STBXW.