The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Job. I had planned to follow your advice, but D24 called me this evening (rather than respond to my "how are you doing" text at midmorning) and told me I could call her dad this evening.

She gave me some more details of events leading to her depression, and sounded a bit better than early this morning. She also let it slip that she and her boyfriend were going on the annual ski trip that used to be a tradition for our family and Bubbles' (as well as other assorted families over the years). She seemed to think I knew all of the details, when in fact, I only knew D26 and her husband were going for five days. Now I know it will be my girls and their men, XH, Bubbles and her H and kids, and a bunch of other kids. I know how long and where. I've fluctuated between feeling betrayed by my family to feeling that, well...I guess this is what divorce is. I have three interviews for the grad program that Friday...go me.

I did text XH and ask if I could discuss D24 with him, which was fine. I explained what I knew and the texts from this morning. He seemed oddly accepting and unconcerned at first. I did mention that I knew about her going on the ski trip, and then he expressed worry about her possible behavior on the trip. He just wanted her to have a vacation and that he really didn't want to make her unhappy on the trip.He actually seemed very worried about her becoming upset and it being because of him...a genuine fear. I sensed a lot of tension, almost anger, as I did during our talks at the beginning of our separation. Is it just him trying to hold back the emotion that makes him sound that way? I notice he actively tries to not compliment, support, or encourage me in any way. He, in fact, avoids any mention of me as anything other than a sounding board when he has that tension in his voice. I'm not a wife, mother, XW, or even a person; just a voice. I stressed how big a step that was for her to actually make the effort to go on the trip...how important it obviously was to her. He kept saying how important it was to have a vacation; that she deserved a vacation. It was very important to him that he give that to her and not be the cause of messing that up and causing her to "gouge out an eye" (his exact words).

And then it hit me. Our last vacation to Hawaii together 8 years ago. When I ruined the trip by having a sobbing meltdown because I couldn't take his overt attention to Bubbles over me any more. The trip that he worked hard to organize and arrange that I "didn't appreciate his efforts to make happen" and that he deserved. I ruined the one thing that he looked forward to to keep him sane. So he stopped allowing me to go, booking trips without me and causing my jealousy to grow because I only saw those trips from my perspective; from the point of view of the left behind spouse. Not from his point of view; the man who needed to have fun and a total break from stress with people who wanted to have fun with him and appreciated his efforts.

He wants to give this vacation to her because he feels that they will help her to feel better; to save her, just as he needs his vacations to save him.

He used to get so angry that this same daughter would get hurt or injured before many of our trips. Livid! I wonder if views my calling to bring up her issues as yet another time his vacation might be jeopardized by D24s health issues, but my fault this time as he doesn't want to blame her but fix her with the time off and also I'm always trying to ruin his fun. Ugh. I'm still over thinking instead of detaching.