The Never Ending Rabbit Hole

[BluWave]

I'm sorry to hear this. It's so hard to deal with losing parents on top of all this. It adds to the emotional confusion too.

Just to share with you, when I found out about my Hs EA, it was very soon after my father had passed. So the A was going on while he was dying. The end of his life was a very hard time for me. I found out later that when my father died, he cut off all communication with her for several weeks. When I found about about the A, and that it was going on during his death, I didn't have the capacity to deal with it. I was grieving and the person I thought was my main support wasn't. It's hard not to cry just writing this.

So as you may know if you have read any of my sitch, my H has been back almost 2 years. ... We found out recently that his mother also has end stage Liver Cancer. She is wonderful and a wonderful grandmother. Her husband (my Hs father) did the exact same thing my H did just years before. He had an A with a mutual "friend," left his W for her, was severely depressed, and then ended it and came back to his wife. Now she is dying. I am just glad she is not alone right now.

So why do I share all this? I'm not sure. It just felt right. And to highlight that history has a way of repeating itself. But we as individuals have the power to change it. My mom divorced my dad when we were little. I think about this often. I think about what that would look like all the time. Will my M survive? Do I really want it to?

I can't go back and change any of this. If I could, you know what I would change? I would have been more present for my dad while he was dying. I was so distracted by my problems with H and sensing that something was off. And now, when I want to end my M, I don't let myself. I want to be present for him during the end of her life because I know how hard it is to lose a parent. I want her to feel safe that things are okay so she can die in peace. He is her oldest son. I think we each have the power to make good choices even when it feels hard.

I hope that you can make the best of your time with your mom and not let your issues with W take away from that. Because you won't be able to fix that later. This time is precious and if it's a year or a few months left, you can still show her your love. That will last forever.

Hugs,
Blu