The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Not sure what to do right now. Advice from DBers is very welcome.

As I've mentioned, my youngest D (24) is struggling. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression on top of ADD. Her senior year of highschool, her best (male) friend shot himself. She was the last person to speak with him and had asked her to keep talking to him that night, so she has massive guilt that she couldn't prevent his actions. She is extremely intelligent and caring, but is working at an extremely understaffed facility for youth in crisis. She works horrible hours, often back-to-back shifts, and gets very little sleep. She has two quarters of college left to get her degree, but has gone back three times and had to drop out due to her psych issues. I've let her know that I understand and have faith that she will finish when she's ready if she wants to go that path, a huge 180 for this control freak. She has made some bad choices, but as she lives on her own, I have no control. Nor, I have realized, should I try to. So I just let her know I love her and am here to help when she needs it.

Last night at around 1 am she reached out to me. She said she needed me and needed to let me know how bad things had gotten. She has made plans to come over on Tuesday. She warned me of her appearance, acts of self harm and let me know that she has been lower than she's ever been. She has work until then and is with her boyfriend (who will be coming over as well), so I know that she will most likely keep her word. I plan to speak with her often til then. She asked me to.

My question is, how much do I tell XH? Although we are NC unless he initiates or it is necessary, and he has said he still wants to parent with me, he has not seemed to do that (parent with me). He went to her place after Christmas to bring her a gift card and the card from his parents, but when she apparently told him a bit about her struggles he told her he couldn't think about that right now, started telling her about his mother (her alzheimers) and started crying. She told me this a week after it happened. He only mentioned that he gave her the cards.

I want to call and tell him that she reached out and that she has planned to come over on Tuesday, that she is very low, but I wonder if I should ask him how much he wants to hear? It is a day off for him today and I know he is hardly holding it together, but I feel I should make him aware of how bad it is today rather than after I find out the details while he is working. And if she didn't reach out to him, should I even tell him? I feel that I should; he is her father and it would upset me...has upset me...when he has kept things from me to "spare my feelings".

This is a big, tough thing. I'm struggling with this mightily.