Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[sandi2]

For the record - it was W that did not want to meet or discuss the "running" of our family with me. At first I tried to be business like - prepared an agenda, gave her options, etc. When I had to nag her etc. I said stuff it. I made every decision and did not consult with her. I'd wait till she brought it up. I was NC/dark.

Well, if you are managing the household and she is not interested in discussing it once a week.....I suggest you stop being the one who calls for a meeting. She left that all behind her, and seeing you with prepared agendas and updating things you have done or planning.......might have been an unpleasant event for her, IDK. I just couldn't see the need to have an face to face meeting every week. I can see from her end, but looking at your end it resembles a LBH who wants the opportunity to show her how the home is running smoothly without her. Anyway, if I am off, then I'm off and it's okay.

I will not be available to her. She often thinks I should "switch" days with her because she has something better to do then be with her kids on certain days. I tell her I'll cover that day for her in return she then owes me a day. That allows us to go away for weekends etc. This makes her angry.

If you have made solid advanced plans for the day she wants to switch, then just tell her. Don't play around while she's waiting for an answer......checking your calendar.....thinking of something you could do on that day......b/c that is showing a contrary spirit. Don't refuse to answer the phone when you see it is your W, and pretending you were just to busy to respond....when you know good & well she is waiting for an answer. Those type of actions at this point of the stitch, simply stirs anger. It certainly woud stir mine. Just give the woman an anwer without reqiring her to scratch and claw for it. Do you see what I mean, or have I confussed you? Don't go overboard either way.

Now that I'm strong(er), confident, etc and I realize that my actions may not save my marriage but could save my life - what is the DB/LRT response now that there has been some changes in W. She is friendly, engaging, cooperative, lingers around the house etc.

Three steps in the LRT: 1. Stop the Case 2. Get a life 3. Watch and wait. Then notice, MWD says when you sense a real commitment (from your spouse) to working things out you can follow the steps in her program....and you can also find a solution based therapist.

I think the key is commitment to working things out. IMHO, it is difficult for you to watch and wait, b/c you want to do-do-do. Sometimes it is not about the H's "doing".