Blu......thanks as always for being so insightful:)

I am still struggling with emotions....mostly anger right now. I know that it is coming from a place of hurt because like I have said before I am devastated at what he has done to me and our M. I am REALLY working on that anger though.

My H is the type of man who doesn't want to deal with emotional things, he doesn't like the way it makes him feel. So I know that if he ever does take a look at himself and what he has done it is going to be a long time from now. Whenever I would get emotional or be upset and crying he would just sit there and say nothing....absolutely nothing!!! He wouldn't try to console me in any way....no kiss, no hug, no words frown But the crazy thing is that HE is the one who cried at our wedding, so I know he is capable of showing emotion. I guess he just picks and chooses when.

Sometimes I feel like H doesn't want to do the work so that I stay in a place of resentment, hurt and anger and that way it would be okay for me to D him because he didn't do what needed to be done to heal me and our M. I was the only person that ever made him accountable for things he did. His parents NEVER did that, and to this day continue to bail him out (and this man is 44 years old) and tell him that he just needs to "move on" from all of this. He totally avoids conflict and does not know how to deal with it at all.

I have tried to see his side of things and how he is feeling, but when we have no contact that can be difficult. I know he wants to do the right thing, but I don't think he is ready to do it or even knows what that is or how to.

The crazy thing is that he is a very sweet man and does not like for people to raise their voice at him, or to be upset with him. One time during one of my crazy episodes I told him I hated him and flipped him off and walked off. Later he told me that he didn't like that I got so upset with him to say or do those type of things.

As I have read what I have written in all my posts, the majority of them about him. I REALLY need to stop focusing on him and what he thinks, feels, says or does because I'm pretty sure he isn't thinking about me.....but man is it hard. I know that until I can TOTALLY let go, none of this is going to get better.