Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Thanks for your post. I appreciate everything you say and act on it accordingly.

For the record - it was W that did not want to meet or discuss the "running" of our family with me. At first I tried to be business like - prepared an agenda, gave her options, etc. When I had to nag her etc. I said stuff it. I made every decision and did not consult with her. I'd wait till she brought it up. I was NC/dark.

Yes, when she came over I was aloof and distant. At times when she tried to get in on the "fun or interesting" stuff I shut her down. IMO - you have to do the grunt work, paying, etc to get the benefits.

Temp checks - Understood that's scratched off the list

GAL - I would give myself an A+ on GAL - I've learned new skills cooking, baking, gardening, etc- because I had to - but new skills are good no matter what - agree/disagree? I'm way more involved it the kid's school, D21 and I are a little closer. I've taken the house from a bunch of unfinished projects to killer curb appeal, updated the furniture, etc a major reno underway, etc. So the above are related to W.

For myself - I'm in better physical shape then most men. I'm lean, slim and a little ripped.

I've made new friends, updated my wardrobe, taken up new hobbies, motorcycle riding, guitar lessons, etc.

Aside from not dating and being in charge of everything in my house - it's a very different BigyBiz then when I arrived her 11 months ago.

Footnote: The Canadian winter and my recent illness of my senior citizen parents has severely changed how I spend my time in the last few weeks. So my GAL needs to get back on track. Stay tuned.

I'm quite proud of where I am.

I get its' not my job to punish her etc.

I read your advise about trying to manufacture a situation where I can influence her - I get that and I don't do that. I am guilty of showing her that we are moving on without her. I will stop trying to rub her nose in it.

I will not be available to her. She often thinks I should "switch" days with her because she has something better to do then be with her kids on certain days. I tell her I'll cover that day for her in return she then owes me a day. That allows us to go away for weekends etc. This makes her angry.

I won't switch with her because she wants it.

Now that I'm strong(er), confident, etc and I realize that my actions may not save my marriage but could save my life - what is the DB/LRT response now that there has been some changes in W. She is friendly, engaging, cooperative, lingers around the house etc.

From DB, DR, LRT videos etc - I'm supposed to encourage her change. Invite her to family events, etc Is that right? Wrong?