Yes. I am my own worst enemy... I think it's having been (literally) raised with the belief that you should always "expect the worst and you will never be dissapointed". And yes this belief seems to only help me to serve self profiling prophesies.
That guy i was dating... He adored me. He would talk about helping my son and the future with me. And you know what I did? I had this whole conversation with him on the negatives of being with me. I told him how hard it would be starting a life with me and my son...how I might not be able to give him children, how difficult children were, how I never wanted to be left to raise a child alone again. etc. etc. I did not want to sell him something he would have resented later on.
Another version could have been, hey a guy gains the chance to love and earn the love of a really great kid. I still have a few years to have children, and I am a really really loyal person. That would have been honest too. I never said these words though. I am not a good advocate for myself. I expect them to see the bad just as I do.
His response was that those thoughts did come to his mind at times, and he loved how realistic I was. But I wonder if because I saw things so pessimistically, he had no choice but to as well. We are now breaking things off, he is moving cross country but I can't help but wonder why I sold myself so short. why did I try to convince him? Why do I continually devalue myself?
My best friend wants to set me up with someone and my response is "yeah but look at my situation. He's probably going to want to run. I should only consider guys that share similar situations to me" Her response was to "stop and let them decide"
I would never ever describe me as the type of person that has an indulgent or addictive personality. But I think The negative thinking is my addiction. just like eating, or drinking, or smoking is for others. And it really played a role in my marital demise and continues to play a role for me. No matter what, I am never satisfied with myself and with those close to me. And I don't know how to be.
I understand the message that You and ginger, and zues are saying. But for me not thinking negatively is like holding back on that cigarette. Only harder I imagine, because it's a mental perception that has been ingrained in me forever.
It's like I sit there and try to actually implement change and might be successful For one day, but then I fall right back into it again.
I think maybe I don't want to be hurt or dissapointed. I'm scared to hope that things will be good??? An underachiever? I don't know.
