I'm so sorry about your mom and also about your grandfather.. i don't believe it is your subconscious- i do believe those we love are with us. well, one of my dearest friends is a medium and quite amazing, so there's some context.

Jeep, we never know how much time anyone has. My mom is in remission from stage 4 cancer. I understand how you feel and it's a dreadful loop. The one thing I can tell you is the best thing to do is to live each day as fully as possible, leaving nothing unsaid or undone, and leave the rest up to God or the Universe or whatever you believe to be a Higher Power. The point is not to waste a moment we have now. xoxoxoxo sending prayers for you and your family and {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver