Needing some Guidance

[sandi2]

Continuing from my last post (I have a new tablet that is giving me a bit of problem typing, so bear with me).

guess to narrow them down, into measurable goals, I would say my goals would be (and I would appreciate feedback:

I don't think we can set goals for another person. Let's take a look at what actions you want to see in her, and what you can do.

Goals from her:
She doesn't take phone calls outside.
She offers me to look through her texts.
She unfriends the guy on Facebook.
She doesn't go out drinking every weekend (she told me two weeks ago that she was going to stop for a long time, but then yesterday she told me that she was going out tomorrow, so i guess a long time is two weeks to her).

These are her acts that come from her free will, and I don't see how you can change these to be your own goals. However, I clearly see where you need to set boundaries. Boundaries are designed to protect your feelings, safety, etc. For an example, (I will give several in one statement), "I will not engage in a marriage relationship where there is disrespect, suspicious actions, private/secret activity, inappropriate conduct/behavior, deceit, betrayal and lies." (Actually, disrespect covers it all). You aren't telling her that she cannot do these things. This is stating what you will do. She can choose to do whatever she wants. You have said what you will do if it happens. Do you see the difference? The other side of the boundary coin is you carrying through with the action. You have said you will not engage, so how will you demonstrate non-engagement? Of Course you can make a bolder boundary and say you will not be in a marriage that has all of those elements. But if you do, you had better be ready to pull out. What you don't want to do is tell her something and then not carry through with it. Too many H's make a bold bluff and then back down.

I think some newcomers don't fully get boundaries, and if that is the case, then start calling her out when she does these disrespectful acts and tell her it is rude, unattractive, suspicious, deceitful........Etc.


If she goes outside to take calls, you could tell her how it reflects secrecy and disrespect, especially considering the situation with texting OM. Don't just go off to lick your wounds.

If she can't talk without looking at her phone, immediately tell her don't want to waste your time with a rude woman, withdraw and leave her sitting there. Most her actions will need to be addressed as she does them, and immediately. Don't think having one long talk is going to make a difference.

We begin to have emotional intimacy.
She begins to place me over her friends.

This will not happen until she starts feeling respect for you. If she has done this for a long time and you did nothing.....Then she has developed very bad habits. You will have to call her out when she does need things. You cannot have emotional intimacy and allow her to put last on her priority list.

Goals for me:
A goal for me is to stop looking at her Facebook, and what she does (I have done this for two days now).
I get in the best shape I have ever been in which i am working on (she did make a comment that my close were getting too big)
I get my emotions under control.

Break down the steps of action that actually gets you where you want to be. You have to have a workable plan.