I have not found anywhere to live that I can afford yet, I am trying hard to remember that while I am living where I am I am saving money. I still have $3.5k to go before I am back to where I was before H arrived, I kick myself that I allowed this to happen, totally went blind to past mistakes in that moment. A harsh lesson to learn and one am paying for now.
Well, another way to view it is that it was $3.5k well spent, as you never have to learn that lesson again! trying for a silver lining dearest.
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On the subject of money, I had a bit of knock back this week. I made an appoint with my bank to discuss Mortgages for the future. I had worked out that if I live like a hermit for the next 3-4yrs and save save save, together with my goal amount and government schemes for first time buyers I would have a really decent deposit for a house, in fact nearly 30% of the house I want to buy, which I felt was good. But it seems that is not the case. What I can currently raise as a mortgage would not buy me anything near what I want, what I can get is the worst house, in the worst street, in the worst suburb - no exaggeration here. What I need to be earning to get me what I would like is so far away from realistically possible for me it was a real stomach sink moment. On top of that, because I was named on houses that h and I bought when we were together I am technically not a first time buyer, despite no longer being with h and this would be my first home as a lone buyer, so I may not meet the criteria for the early release of my government retirement scheme that I pay in to, which would have been to make up my deposit amount. Typical.
While that is disappointing, you also are now more informed and can set your goals accordingly. Vision board that house baby!
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I have sat quietly with this latest news for a couple of days now. I know that its out of my control, it is what it is. But I feel like its another twist in the knife from h and his selfish actions. I had a home, he took it away from me. What is worse is that I look back and think about how my mother left me enough money to buy a home outright, so I would always be safe and have a roof over my head, and my blindness, my weakness in not being able to stand up to h, scared he would leave me, has seen me loose it all. And in the end, he has left me and I have survived. This indeed has been a very hard and harsh life lesson. I feel so sad and low, looking at what I had to what I am now having to live like - how is it that I am being punished while he is out there living his dream ....I know, I know, he probably isn't, just portrays that he is.
Dearest, is now the time to look into divorce and spousal support? I hate to say this to you, but this situation is just not right. You were in a very long term marriage and a stay at home mother. There must be laws about this in NZ ...
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I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. Slightly demoralized about the house thing, I had set myself up to achieve that goal so was a high sinking to a big low in one conversation. Travel is still on the cards and more possible if I give up the house idea, but seems like I runners up prize at the moment.
Yes, I understand. If we lived in California, xh would have to repay me the inheritances left by my aunt and godfather, which I used to pay for home improvements and supporting the household. But, we live in a different state, with different rules so he skates on that.
I know that feeling as I felt it last year when I tried to get a mortgage to save our home. It was utterly demoralizing. Now it's a year later and I've set a different goal. It's ok Lou, it really has only been a short time. You've accomplished quite a lot in that small space of time. You just need some breathing room and a chance to really land after the last round with your MLCr.
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Generally life is quiet, I am putting the staples into it - a job, a roof over my head and transport. So why does it feel like the universe is against me, be nice to catch a break.
Well, sometimes it does feel like that, doesn't it? The good news is, that feeling doesn't last. What helps me when I feel like that is focusing on the immediate - just break it down into weekly chunks of time and if that's too much, then day at a time, hour at a time or minute at a time. I have complete faith in you honey. Sending prayers and {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
