Bigybiz, jeep, and cheesyt it'd be awesome to have a DB tough mudder team. If we can help each other through this stuff, I've no doubt we can conquer some silly obstacles!
Hawk, we had a blast at laser tag. D and I had each other's backs and it turns out she's like a little ninja! I'm also rooting for the falcons. Tough to pull for the pats with everything that's gone on there. Would rather it be my skins though!!
Yeah, we are dog people but Ds allergies to dogs are enough to give us pause. D has a small cat allergy but it's not nearly as bad as the dog one. She's been dying for a pet to play with so we are going the cat route. I know it'll make her happy and she's pretty much counting down the days until the summer! That's awesome that you've got 3 dogs though. That's a lot of energy to burn off! Always awesome to see you around here hawk!!
Gordie, I agree with you that my W seems to be trying to find an identity. Whether it's purposeful or she's just kind of stumbling through it, I don't know. She hasn't shared with me where she sees herself in the coming years, other than telling me in October that she would not be married to me come her 40th bday (this spring). I like the idea of setting up a structured interaction with her. She's not pleasant to converse with in our current situation.
FG, yeah, I also believe my Ws anxiety is a massive barrier to fixing things. Subtracting out M and child, I think she'd be able to isolate herself enough from outside influences to maintain the control she needs in her life. That said, I think she'd have insecurity and would experience the anxiety and discontent in fits and spurts. So to some degree I agree with you. I just don't think it'd be as pronounced as it is now bc she could hide away from things.
IC and I spent most of this session discussing where W may be with regards to her mental state. I mentioned to IC what W said about "you know you need to talk to me. I know that it's not pleasant to talk to me and I'm angry, but you need to talk to me". IC thought that was a substantial event with W. He took that, along with Ws comments about her "boobs going to waste" and W not attacking me when D asked "is daddy good at sex" as W trying to tell me that she needs me to challenge her and show her strength. Seems like a roundabout, weird way to do it but IC thought it said a lot.
So he thinks I should challenge my W in a caring way. I'd been kicking around the idea of giving W a timeline for how long we try to make this work. IC thinks I shouldn't do that. He offered that I have a conversation with W where I tell her what I'm thinking but don't give her a deadline. So I'm thinking about telling her, as we talk about selling the house and buying another, that I want to discuss our future. Tell her that I can see that she's unhappy. That I am also not content with how things are right now. That I care for her and I won't tolerate us living unhappy lives. That I promised W I was unwilling go back to a M the same way that it was before. Pretty much all stuff I'm currently thinking and probably needs to be said anyways.
It has the potential to send W spewing and give her an out, but I think an approach like that may be the only way to challenge her, while at the same time providing her with some semblance of safety from her anxiety. To your point earlier FG, I think this is the only way I can attempt to aid her in getting back to a more solid mental state. I need to keep the consistency of action and voice, but somehow add in the challenge and safety aspects. Sometimes this feels like juggling chainsaws....
Anyway, thanks all for the support and kind words. Looking forward to the weekend!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
