With Valentine's Day coming up, and obviously I am not going to get her something, but what would you say if she asks why I didn't get her anything.
I have been thinking about that...I mean obviously I am not happy, and have strictly started following the rules. I know she will probably be upset, which I am not worried about, I just don't know what I should say.
If I were in your shoes and she had the audacity to ask why I didn't get her something for Valentines, I would look at her as if she had lost her mind and say, "Seriously????"
She will play games as long as you play along, but she KNOWS she is contacting OM and she would not tolerate the same behavior from you. Just like when she asks you what's wrong and if you need to get anything off your chest......she KNOWS her behavior is inappropriate and offensive, and by all rights you should be more than just a little pi$$ed. However, when she asks what is wrong....that is her way of pulling you into an emotional R talk.
The H has to set boundaries, when living with a WW. What does it do to your self-esteem when she is texting OM while in the room with you and laughing at what he says? My suggestion is that if you intend to continue living with her under the same roof, she has to see that you aren't going to just turn over for her to mistreat even more. She is like a rebellious teenager who thinks she is smarter than you, and getting away with misbehaving, and that she's clever in manipulating you.
I think most teenagers go through a little period (at least) where they test their parents. They rebell about whatever ground rules they have been given. Their attitude and actions can disrupt the family.....if they have no consequences for their behavior. During the rebellion period, the teenager will clash with at least one of the parents. She will play one parent against the other....especially if she knows the other parent is softer on her, or she can manipulate them. She will cry, pout, throw fits, threaten to run away, try to guilt her parents, lie, make promises.....on & on. I have been the tough parent, so I can tell you it is not a pleasant time. I remember telling one of my teenagers, "You don't have to like it, and you don't have to agree with it, but you will abide by our standards while we are responsible for raising you".
A wayward wife is as close to a rebellious teenager as anything else I could use for comparison. Although you are not her parent, you have to use your standards as your guide through her terrible behavior. When she is disrespectful and acting inappropriately, what happens? Do you call her out on it? If not, then is she faced with any consequences of bad behavior/choices? Just think about these things, as you are deciding what you want to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
