Yes, I need to keep remembering that I can change the dynamic by changing my responses. I will work on that in my mind and with my therapist. Thank you for the suggestions. I will certainly try them on for size and see how they work.
And thank you both for the validation. I really needed to hear it. For far too long, I thought that I wasn't getting my message across to him. I always knew there was more to what was going on, but I just could not put my finger on it so I internalized it and blamed myself. I work in a profession that requires me to communicate both in the written word and verbally. The ideas I have to convey are often complex and I manage to get the job done. I could never understand how I could not get through to H. I felt inadequate, small, and stupid because I couldn't do it. "What is wrong with ME?" I continually thought.
This realization has also helped me to lessen my grip on the rope. This behavior is completely out of my hands and it is so freeing to have this knowledge. It was not my doing. This anger/frustration/whatever it is that is inside of him; he, and he alone, needs to learn to acknowledge it and learn to how to cope with it. All I can do is work on my reaction/non-reaction to it.
It is all a bit saddening as well. When I look at the large hill he has to climb to get out of this mess, I am not confident he has the ability, tools, or ego strength to do it. Especially without professional help. It's like climbing Everest in flip flops and board shorts. He is ill-prepared and ill-equipped and therefore doomed for failure.
