you really do need to wake up and smell the coffee...
I love the smell off coffee!
If you are implying that I am naive to be comfortable wih my husband traveling without me, and that he should only travel if I go with him, then no thanks.
For one thing, that would mean I'd have to give up the trips I take without him.
For another, although I recognize there is a risk, I choose not to live my life with suspicion. And there has never been anything in his bahvior to make me suspicious.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
And yet you find yourself here on DB forum. I am not attacking you, just trying to give you some material for thought. People change, your H changed, my W changed, I changed, you changed.
My wife was a firm believer that cheating is WRONG, she was outraged when her brother was cheated on 5 yrs ago, she was also firm in her belief that a man and a woman cannot have a close friendship without a sexual component. Needless to say all these beliefs changed when she hit MLC.
I have no problems with solo trips, but trips with a person of an opposite sex that is not a close relative is just asking for trouble. Not all people that are faced with such temptation are able to resist. That is why you remove the addict from his familiar surroundings...
And yet you find yourself here on DB forum. I am not attacking you, just trying to give you some material for thought. People change, your H changed, my W changed, I changed, you changed.
My wife was a firm believer that cheating is WRONG, she was outraged when her brother was cheated on 5 yrs ago, she was also firm in her belief that a man and a woman cannot have a close friendship without a sexual component. Needless to say all these beliefs changed when she hit MLC.
I have no problems with solo trips, but trips with a person of an opposite sex that is not a close relative is just asking for trouble. Not all people that are faced with such temptation are able to resist. That is why you remove the addict from his familiar surroundings...
I completely agree with your last paragraph. I've said repeatedly that I am not talking about travel with non-relatives of the opposite sex.
Chris's wife is not proposing a trip with someone of the opposite sex. (Is she telling the truth? I don't know.)
And Seeker's comment to which I responded was not talking about travel with a member of the opposite sex.
Sheesh, people, read all the words.
Yep, I'm here on the board, but not because of infidelity.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Yep, I'm here on the board, but not because of infidelity.
I beg to differ. There are all sorts of infidelity, not only of a sexual nature.
And what you are referring to would possibly apply in a "normal" marriage situation and not a situation where one spouse is dangling a divorce as a threat. I have seen these 30-40 something chick trips get very rowdy all too often. And all sorts of bus boys, lifeguards and receptionists are more than happy to oblige. She is def. going through the issues and she should stay away from all sorts of temptations. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and then some compliments are thrown and bob's your uncle...
Yep, I'm here on the board, but not because of infidelity.
I beg to differ. There are all sorts of infidelity, not only of a sexual nature.
And what you are referring to would possibly apply in a "normal" marriage situation and not a situation where one spouse is dangling a divorce as a threat. I have seen these 30-40 something chick trips get very rowdy all too often. And all sorts of bus boys, lifeguards and receptionists are more than happy to oblige. She is def. going through the issues and she should stay away from all sorts of temptations. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and then some compliments are thrown and bob's your uncle...
I think you two are saying the same thing. In an ideal relationship, I think it's perfectly reasonable to go on trips separately on occasion. My ex would go out of town with a friend or a group of friends of the same sex and I wouldnt bat an eye. I go on business trips fairly often, and have several times gone with a colleague of the opposite sex and never felt like I was in any danger of infidelity. Now, Im not talking about going for a week at a Mexican resort with a group of mixed gender - I certainly agree THAT is a recipe for disaster.
In my opinion, I would rather spend my energy making sure that my partner doesnt have any desire or reason to cheat than restrict what they do to ensure that they wont have a opportunity to cheat.
K, I agree, but if DB has taught us anything, it is that we are only responsible for our own actions and feelings and worrying about partners' desires just puts you into the fixer category. We all know that MLC screws the person's mind and makes them unpredictable.
Your last paragraph implies that all of us that were cheated upon somehow caused it with insufficient effort to persuade our spouses to remain faithful...
First of all, I don't think going on a solo vacation here with a person of the opposite gender was even considered by anyone. His wife said she was going on a trip with girlfriends. In her head, either way, they aren't married and she believes she is free to do what she wants. It's up to him if he wants to stop it or not, which he can't except maybe by not being there for the kids, which he isn't going to do.
I completely agree with Rose. Separate activities and individual interests and lives are important to M. I have had the privillage of speaking to many long time married couples through my profession. Their secret is their own interests. Maintaining a loving life together while maintaining their own identity and interests. For me, this would be the perfect marriage. my coworker has been married for 30 years, happily, and her husband goes on guys golfing trips. She enjoys spas and shopping and does it at home while he is away.
After the awful way I had been cheated on, I do not have a great fear or jealousy in my R's going forward. If you aren't going to do it, I don't want it to be because I blocked you from doing it, I want it to be because you have no desire to cheat on me.
I read a little story the other night. A woman was putting her very drunk husband to bed. he was so drunk, he didn't realize it was his wife putting him to bed and he says to her "leave me alone, I've got a wife!"
That's the perfect relationship in my eyes.
Oh, and I have vacationed with my girlfriends. I can tell you, there was no hanky panky on their ends or mine. We laid by the pool, drank beverages, went to the ocean, enjoyed nice meals, read books, participated in some resort activities, and took naps:)
And Vapo, we shouldn't "worry" about our partners desires, but we should surely live our lives considering them. And in a "perfect" marriage, when we consider our spouses wants and needs, they consider ours back and no one feels the need to look outside the M. I don't want to speak for Kaizen, but I am pretty sure that's where he is going with that one.
And Vapo, there is no excuse for cheating. That's how the spouses chose to with "insufficiencies" but yes, rarely does someone cheat because it just seems like fun. There were inusfficies on a lot of our ends. Sadly enough, our spouses chose to handle them the wrong way.
But the truth is, everyone of us here was not doing something right in their marriage. We had insufficiencies. Some of pretty major from what I have read.
I was emotionally abused from my husband since the day we met. Through my IVF being pumped with hormones, and my pregnancy, I lost tolerance for it. I was passive/aggressive, always on the defense, and very angry that he was still being a mean selfish prick and making sure he was always number 1. I knew I had things to fix, and I wanted to work together. he chose to simply find another woman.
We were both insufficient. Neither of us handled it correctly.
