I'm not exactly sure where to begin anymore. Just found out last night that my Mom has stage 4 cancer of the liver and pancreas. This is hitting me very hard and I'm struggling to be strong for my kids. All of a sudden, whatever has gone on with my ex is irrelevant now - but there are some very hard feelings toward her (ex) that are starting to creep in and I'm not so sure they aren't warranted, looking back on things.
Its like my mind is on a loop playing back my life and with Mom. The good and bad times both. It's like an endless movie reel that somehow loops itself. One of the most difficult things that I can't get past is that early on after BD I stood up for my ex and, in a way, sort of alienated Mom and Dad. I didn't want to see the ex for what she truly was. I guess I was in that LBS fog. Sigh. Now, that I find out Mom may not make it to Christmas, I'm struggling to find a way to make it right. I can't fix the past. I can't
I don't want this to end up like when my Grandfather passed. I was back in college when he was rushed to the emergency room. I visited him a couple of times and he was in very good spirits - wanting to come home like only a cantankerous old man could. This still haunts me to today. Anyway, that Friday night I had a date with a young lady after what seemed like forever trying...I was really excited about it. As I was getting ready, my Mom called from the hospital saying that my Grandfather wanted to see me. When I asked if everything was OK, she said yes but he just wants to see you. I told her that I would be there first thing in the morning. Only the morning was too late. As I was getting up, I got a call telling me to get there as fast as I could. I've never driven that fast in my life. When I got there, everyone was in the room and it was obvious that he didn't have long. He looked at me and I whispered to him "I love you, old buddy" (we always called each other that) and he died holding my hand. Damn that was hard to type. And that has haunted me ever since. I can still see it like it was right now.
I think that is what's driving part of my stuff now with Mom. I fear that it's happening - in a sense - all over again.
I'm scared. I've never been this scared in my life.
If this post doesn't belong on the board, then I apologize. But I needed it. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
