Needing some Guidance

[KCRoo]

So I get home from work tonight about 6:30, and about an hour later she has the audacity to ask me to bring her a soda to work.

I told her no... I know i shouldn't have answered her call, but she had been blowing my phone up.

She is so stuck in her waywardness that she actually thinks that everything is back to normal, because in the old days i would have done that.

I am almost sure she is back to texting the om...When i woke up this morning the lights were on in the backyard, and i know for sure that I turned them off when i let the dogs back in last night. I told her that she left the lights on, and she said something about her friend Angela asking if she could talk last night...I don't believe it, but i am starting not to care either.

[2chiquitos]

Hi KCRoo,

Did you memtion your GALs? Also work on the PMA.

Just to clarify, youre both living together, right? Why? Not suggesting anything. Just curious to know why you would be ok living with W although you know shes cheating.

What are your goals? Did you say you read the book? Share your goals and what are your steps to reach the goals.

[KCRoo]

I have been working on GAL, I go out with my friends on the weekends, for two weeks now i have gone to church by myself, I got my bike, and will start riding it as soon as the roads start to clear up.

In front of her i have a very good PMA, I don't let her see me down. I don't mope or pout, and generally act happy.

We are living together, I have tried to get her to leave but she doesn't respect me enough to go. I have thought about leaving myself, for more than the two days I already did, my counselor has discouraged it for the moment. We are going to talk more about it next Tuesday.


I am having a hard time with my goals, so maybe you all can help. I think I have too broad of goals, like MWD says not to have.

My first goal was to have her stop placing her phone upside down at night, like she is hiding the screen...However, I wasn't sure how to accomplish that, and actually she has stopped doing that (since Monday), and now keeps her phone right side up...so i guess that is a small improvement.

Otherwise I am stuck in those big picture goals that MWD says you won't see any progress on them, you know end the ea, have full transparency, get emotionally closer.

I guess to narrow them down, into measurable goals, I would say my goals would be (and I would appreciate feedback:

Goals from her:
She doesn't take phone calls outside.
She offers me to look through her texts.
She unfriends the guy on Facebook.
She doesn't go out drinking every weekend (she told me two weeks ago that she was going to stop for a long time, but then yesterday she told me that she was going out tomorrow, so i guess a long time is two weeks to her).
We begin to have emotional intimacy.
She begins to place me over her friends.
When she talks to me, to not check her texts or emails, while she is talking.

Goals for me:
A goal for me is to stop looking at her Facebook, and what she does (I have done this for two days now).
I get in the best shape I have ever been in which i am working on (she did make a comment that my close were getting too big)
I get my emotions under control.

I guess I have a hard time because i am not really sure what i want...I will think on this more today, and maybe come up with some better goals.

[KCRoo]

Snadi2, I have a question.

With Valentine's Day coming up, and obviously I am not going to get her something, but what would you say if she asks why I didn't get her anything.

I have been thinking about that...I mean obviously I am not happy, and have strictly started following the rules. I know she will probably be upset, which I am not worried about, I just don't know what I should say.

Thanks for any advice.

[KCRoo]

So I was reading Sandi2's 37 rules again, and I realized that I might have misinterpreted rules 2 and 35...that I shouldn't ignore her calls or texts that I just should not initiate them with her.

I am not going dark, I am just detaching and not pursuing.

[sandi2]

With Valentine's Day coming up, and obviously I am not going to get her something, but what would you say if she asks why I didn't get her anything.

I have been thinking about that...I mean obviously I am not happy, and have strictly started following the rules. I know she will probably be upset, which I am not worried about, I just don't know what I should say.

If I were in your shoes and she had the audacity to ask why I didn't get her something for Valentines, I would look at her as if she had lost her mind and say, "Seriously????"

She will play games as long as you play along, but she KNOWS she is contacting OM and she would not tolerate the same behavior from you. Just like when she asks you what's wrong and if you need to get anything off your chest......she KNOWS her behavior is inappropriate and offensive, and by all rights you should be more than just a little pi$$ed. However, when she asks what is wrong....that is her way of pulling you into an emotional R talk.

The H has to set boundaries, when living with a WW. What does it do to your self-esteem when she is texting OM while in the room with you and laughing at what he says? My suggestion is that if you intend to continue living with her under the same roof, she has to see that you aren't going to just turn over for her to mistreat even more. She is like a rebellious teenager who thinks she is smarter than you, and getting away with misbehaving, and that she's clever in manipulating you.

I think most teenagers go through a little period (at least) where they test their parents. They rebell about whatever ground rules they have been given. Their attitude and actions can disrupt the family.....if they have no consequences for their behavior. During the rebellion period, the teenager will clash with at least one of the parents. She will play one parent against the other....especially if she knows the other parent is softer on her, or she can manipulate them. She will cry, pout, throw fits, threaten to run away, try to guilt her parents, lie, make promises.....on & on. I have been the tough parent, so I can tell you it is not a pleasant time. I remember telling one of my teenagers, "You don't have to like it, and you don't have to agree with it, but you will abide by our standards while we are responsible for raising you".

A wayward wife is as close to a rebellious teenager as anything else I could use for comparison. Although you are not her parent, you have to use your standards as your guide through her terrible behavior. When she is disrespectful and acting inappropriately, what happens? Do you call her out on it? If not, then is she faced with any consequences of bad behavior/choices? Just think about these things, as you are deciding what you want to do.

[JRuss]

Next time she texts her OM in front of you and starts in with the giggling and all the rest, consider walking over, saying nothing, taking the phone from her, and slowly but with purpose crushing it under your foot, then calmly walking away.

[KCRoo]

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However, when she asks what is wrong....that is her way of pulling you into an emotional R talk.

[/quote]

So I have confused myself, so are you saying that instead of saying nothing, that I should tell that she knows what is wrong?

[Dawgs]

Next time she texts her OM in front of you and starts in with the giggling and all the rest, consider walking over, saying nothing, taking the phone from her, and slowly but with purpose crushing it under your foot, then calmly walking away.

Funniest thing I've read on here in a while. Let us know how that goes.

[sandi2]

So I have confused myself, so are you saying that instead of saying nothing, that I should tell that she knows what is wrong?

No, I am saying that she knows perfectly well what is wrong. Do not mistake it as her concern for your feelings. When she asks you what's the matter or what's wrong with you......you need to see it as WW entrapment.

The WW will seldom show signs of a guilty conscious (and hardly ever the actions the LBH'S seem to think is her guilt speaking). However, you can bank on it.......this is her wanting to fight b/c she knows she is guilty of inappropriate conduct. If she has a fight with you, then she feels better afterward and can self-justify why she needs OM in her life.

You cannot "talk" your way out of the mess she has created. Any respone you give to anything she says similar to this, should either be a silent "knowing" stare (that tells her you are not falling for her tricks) and then turn your back to her or walk away. If you use any words, make them them very few.

It kind of depends on the persona you want her to see. As long as she has this OM in her head, you should not show emotional weakness/breakdown. That is why I tell LBH'S to do their crying away from the WW, b/c in her mindset she sees it as weakness in him. It is tied to her feelings of disrespect.

If I understand correctly, you told her you were talking to her brothers, which is true. Then you told her you were going to bed early b/c you had to get up early the next morning. Maybe this satisfied her and did not prompt her into more discussion. Whle you are learnig more about WW's, this was probably the best way.