It's been a very long time since I've posted. it's time for an update. I came here 4+ years ago confused, hurt and unsure of what was happening to my h nor how to handle his bizarre behavior. I received a lot of good advice and support that helped me keep my sanity and to make it to where I am today.
My h's MLC started sometime is 2011 but it wasn't until 2012 that he started displaying the more obvious signs of MLC. He wasn't a mean mcler and seemed to keep his anger focused on the ow. He didn't tell me what I did wrong in our marriage or bring up the past. It was a wild ride for sure but as I look back on it now it seems like ancient history.
When he filed for D (2015) it hit me pretty hard. As time went on I thought more about my future as a single woman and focused on that rather than standing or saving our marriage. I started looking at myself and future. Deciding whether I would move, go back to work or school and dug deeper than I have in a very long time. It was more or less a rethinking of my future. I was nearly 60 and the thought of being alone was a bit scary at first. I had a plan and was looking at moving to another town an hour away from here. I found a few homes and was also looking for a place for D2 to live and work. She is doing wonderfully here and has been "promoted" to better jobs within the company that she works. She has a hard time with change and I dread the day that I have to tell her that we are moving. She's become quite independent here and loves her job. I am so proud of her for overcoming so much adversity and the strength she has shown.
My h continued to stay in contact and wanted to remain friends. I kept him at arms length and treated him as I would an acquaintance rather than a man that I was married to for more than half of my life. He never brought up the D that was scheduled for the last week of March 2016 and I didn't share my plan for after it was final.
As odd as it sounds only 1 of our 4 children knew what was happening. She never said a word to the others. At Christmas 2015 we all got together at my house (he had signed it over to me when he filed for separation so that the ow wouldn't have any legal right to it) and we all had a great time. My h even spent the night so as not to let on that there was anything "off".
Shortly after the Holiday's I saw some subtle changes. I can't put my finger on it but there was something different about him. A calmness came over him. He talked about his "journey" a lot more than he had over the past few years. I continued to keep my distance but took a little more interest in what he was saying. Like watching a teenager become an adult is the best way to describe it. He said things like, "your must have thought I was crazy". "I almost lost my children because of that B." "You were the only one that was there for me when I needed help and I will never understand why." Memories of things that he did aren't exactly as things happened and his timeline is waaaay off.
In February wind, rain and high tides nearly destroyed the house that he was living in. It turned into a total nightmare for him. The insurance wouldn't cover the damage because the house was in a flood zone and he didn't have flood insurance or maybe they wouldn't sell it to him. That house was doomed from the day the crazy, abusive ow moved in until the day he sold it.
At the end of March, one week before the final hearing for the D, my attorney called. He asked me if I had talked to my h recently. I told my attorney that we don't talk about D, only pleasant things. Seriously, my h did not want to talk about it. He just wanted to do it! My attorney was fully aware of MLC and did exactly as I asked him when it came to only responding to what was absolutely necessary. He didn't call or email if a date was missed unless it was going to effect me negatively. As it turned out, no one showed up at the hearing and when I went to the Court website it showed "Case Dismissed". WHAT? I called my attorney the day after and asked him what happened. He said to watch for the paperwork showing the dismissal. To this day he has never talked about what happened, what made him change his mind about going through with it, NOTHING.
Shortly after the no show on D day he asked me if I'd like to meet him in a city that he was traveling to for business. He offered to pay for the ticket and said he'd get a separate room for me if I wanted. I accepted but bought my own ticket just in case I needed to make a quick get away. 😉 It was there that he really opened up and started to ask me questions. I was no longer the sounding board. HA! We spent all of his free time talking, laughing, catching up on friends and family.
As the months went by we spent more time together. Many, many conversations later and after some dating we decided that when his house sold, he would move back here but stay in a guest room. It worked for us at the time and gave both of us our separate space. We went on vacation for 3 weeks this past fall. It was then that the last piece finally fell into place. We now share our bedroom and are working on our NEW relationship. He has been so attentive, loving and complimentary. Even more than when we first met decades ago. I still have a few trust issues but I'm working through them, slowly. I am cautiously optimistic and at this point it feels like I always will be. I pray that one day I can let go of that.
D1 is has moved to the Midwest and is doing her residency at a very progressive hospital. She loves it and has adapted to living there where she knew no one. It's a much slower pace than she has been use to but it's good for her to slow down a bit. She has a special guy in her life and juggles long hours and tries to take breaks when she can. S1 and 2 are doing well too. We have 3 grandchildren now. My h spoils them almost as much as I do. We don't see them as often as I'd like as their lives are busy with school and activities.
My h is flying back in to town tonight and will be here soon. I've been lazy for the past few days and guess I should get a few things done before he gets here. 😁
Wish I had some words of wisdom to close with. I can only say that there's no rhyme nor reason to why one relationship makes it and another doesn't. I read many threads of marriages that made it and some of those that didn't. I listened to the wise Veterans on this board and took care of myself first. Setting boundaries was always hard for me but I finally found my voice and didn't care how he reacted. In the end it really is about me and what I want and need. With or without him I was and will be just fine!
I'm anxious to read up on some of the new situations here and catch up on some of the people that were here prior to my long absence. A special thanks to job and bea for taking me all under their wings (as in angels)! Bright, kml and all of the others that I forgot too!
