How to rekindle love? (2)

[Rose888]

Rose888,

I have a question for you as I respect you greatly and feel you have been particularly insightful in helping me understand my W's perspective. Post-BD, my W has opened up to me about how she feels about our sex life. W has voiced that she has felt used and even violated during sexual encounters, when I wanted sex and she didn't, but she went along with it because she felt it was her marital obligation. I was shocked as she'd never voiced this before and devastated as "used" and "violated" are last things I would want her to feel. Since she has told me this, I decided I would cease all initiation of sexual contact (a true 180). Fortunately, she now initiates sex with me. I have noted that she initiates sex when she feels very, very emotionally connected to me--usually after we have spent a lot of alone time together and she has revealed something deeper about herself to me--whether negative (such as pent up anger or frustration) or positive (dreams about the way she wants to live her life). I have also noticed that after we have sexual relations, she also distances herself from me the day after. The DB coach said that this is probably her internal conflict: "I want to divorce Gordie; why did I just initiate sex with him? I've gotten too close; I need to create distance." Recently, she has also wanted me to be more physically intimate with her (taking off her clothes and asking me to massage her; asking me to hold her closely so she can fall asleep). I'd love to know if you have any thoughts on what is going on and if you have any advice on how I should be conducting myself.

Thanks for the compliment. I am glad something I've said has been helpful.

I can somewhat relate to what your wife said, which I know would horrify my husband.

Here's my current thinking.

I was raised with a very strong emphasis on no sex before marriage. And not just no sex. Nothing even remotely close. So was H. We were each other's first and only sexual partner. I had visions of our wedding night as being romantic. He had visions of our wedding not being passionate. We didn't discuss our visions ahead of time. Naturally, neither of us got our vision.

So that started us off on the wrong foot at the very beginning.

Another issue for me was not feeling like H desired me for myself. I felt like he wanted sex and I was his only choice. I didn't feel like he wanted me.

I don't know if any of that applies to your wife, or if it even makes sense.

I realized during my time on this site that I have no sense of myself as a sexual person. I've been working on that. I wonder if that is part of what your wife is doing with the undressing and massage.

I agree with your DB coach that your wife is very confused.

As for what you should do, I am hesitant to give advice. It's tricky. I think you are handling this aspect well.

Just don't let it keep you from GAL and being emotionally self-sufficient.