Hello new neighbors!

[Zues126]

So funny how it's all the same thing. I'm seeing it everywhere now. Before I respond, let me tell you about the conversation I just had with my pool playing friend.

He has been having a problem with choking for a while. He plays great, but when he has an opportunity to win big he melts down. Not every time, he's a heck of a player. But let's just say more than a player his caliber usually does. And it's happened enough to be a real issue. And it has cost us some cash

Well, we've talked sports psychology and spiritual outlook and approach and balance and all kinds of happy crap for 10 years now. But it's not easy. Today he was playing a guy and it went down to the wire, he fumbled, and he is depressed.

Today I told him how when I was younger I played because I told myself that some day in the future I would be the best in the world, and I was convinced this would solve all of my problems. All I needed to do was conquer the world of pool, and it would be allllllll right. Playing was torture. Living was torture. But I medicated by stuffing my feelings, turning that pain into anger, and taking it out on myself and pushing, pushing, pushing to be better. I kept saying to myself that I'd show the world some day...

Well, in looking back I realize how that worked for me. I was able to find meaning in my pain because it was for a future payoff, and I was able to manage my pain by assuring myself it would be better someday.

Finally the time came where I achieved a bit of success. And guess what? Nothing changed. It didn't change how I felt one little bit. This is a disillusionment that many people experience. They say it's hard to stay at the top and talk about burnout. To me it's more a matter of the realization that winning doesn't stop the suffering in life, and once that coping mechanism is shattered it's a big lose of motivation.

In addition, when I was trying to get better I would be really upset when I played poorly. I only really enjoyed myself when I was setting personal records, having break through wins, etc.

Finally I asked myself: If I'm only going to be happy the top 2% of the time I play, is it worth going through the misery of the other 98%? Is the 2% really that orgasmic? Or is it worth it because someday I think I'll achieve some payoff worth all of this suffering?

I already knew there was no future payoff. And no, the 2% wasn't worth the other 98%. So I had a clear choice. Either quit playing, or enjoy the other 98% as well.

So here I am today. I enjoy myself almost all the time that I play, because I no longer condition my enjoyment on my performance. The controller/ego part of me wants to challenge that saying 'you won't try hard if you aren't fighting for your life', but I don't listen to that voice. I've learned that choking comes when you are playing for your personal happiness. If the stakes are heaven and hell, that's pressure that can cause anyone to melt down. And it is fatiguing to deal with. It wears you down. But, if as I say "When you play to have fun, you win as soon as you put your cue together", well, then there's no pressure. You're going to have fun either way, win or lose, champion or choker. I know it will all happen if I play, I will choke for sure, I will also win tournaments and set new records, it's all part of the road ahead, it will all happen if I keep playing. So just chillax, hit balls, have fun, and see what's in store for today.

And no, I'm not too unmotivated when I play. Believe me, once someone starts trying to beat me I still respond to the challenge and my inner fighter comes out. I may have fun either way, but I have fun fighting like a lion to beat their brains out so bad for the rest of their lives they have PTSD every time they see a pool table.

How does this relate? Well, one common thread is the frustration that comes if our happiness being conditional on something outside of our control. But more to the point, the idea of avoiding the acceptance of our pain today by promising ourselves something will be better in the future.

I told my friend I don't believe that. We humans really have a problem with acceptance. We keep wanting to believe that if only this, or that, then we'll be better. And none of it is true. Wherever we go, there we are. It's like some king that believes riches, fame, and land will solve all of his problems. He says "I don't want to die, I want to live forever". And his page says "no, sire, we all die". So the king says "Unacceptable. I want to live forever. I know, I'll conquer that country over there, and make a fortune on new trade routes. THAT will solve my problems!" Um, no bro, that won't solve anything. Yes, you'll have more money, more land. That might be convenient. But you're still going to die.

Now, this doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to manifest our gifts in this world. As I said before, we know life hurts and we all die someday, but we get to decide what we do with our time here. This is where personal beliefs come in. I tend to belief it is a better choice to strive to do my best to use the gifts I've been given in a celebration of the life I have than to bitterly count down days until it's over. But I do the dance because I enjoy dancing, not because I believe the dance will take away my problems.

Sooooooooo..........back to your post. Date someone? Remarry? All fine options. My only thought would be don't do any of those things because you think it will make you feel better. You know, the old "If I had someone then it would be easier, I wouldn't be lonely, I would have someone to understand me, to just comfort me sometimes". Yeah, right. That's not how it works. We've all been married. We all felt misunderstood, lonely, trapped, unappreciated, abused, all of those things. So this picture in our head of what a relationship will bring isn't true.

That's where the expectations come in, the self medicating self deception of thinking it will get better. Ultimately you're expecting your partner to stop you from suffering, and resent them when they don't. This is not only a trigger for me because it's a mistake that's caused me so much pain, it's also a trigger because I believe this outlook is what is responsible for the failure of marriage today. People think someone else should make them happy, then think they have a defective partner so they cut bait. In the end they suffer twice, once because they haven't accepted the suffering we're all sentenced to, and again because of the consequences of destroying a family.

Because of this for me personally I'm trying really hard to be realistic and deal with my suffering head on. I will admit the dream of marriage sounds good, the kind that ends our loneliness and suffering. But the reality doesn't. A relationship where I will feel let down, misunderstood, diminished, villainized, and abandoned, no thanks. As for making it easier to get through life, the dream marriage where we partner up together and save for retirement and get the kids through school and share special moments sounds great. But having to navigate through years of court and social services and then pay for another household so my next ex can have a rendezvous place for her new lovers that she can bad mouth me to, no thanks.

This is where everything is relative. Some might think I'm jaded. But I don't feel raging angry about this, scowling at the rest of the world because 'if only they weren't how they were then I'd be happy because I'd have what I need'...no, I feel pretty detached about all of this. I just am seeing things very clearly. I see how it works. I see that if I partner up with someone this is a very high probability outcome, and this doesn't look attractive to me.

On the flip side J, we're all going to suffer either way. You can suffer alone, or you can suffer in a disappointing marriage that probably won't last. So from that stance it's personal preference. I'm not going to pretend that if I stay single for ever I won't suffer. It's just a pick your poison type of thing.

In the end, go out and live your life, advance your career, maneuver into a space of your own, relieve your finances, and maybe share some company with someone. All good stuff. Just don't expect it to change anything. And, since you know it won't, start enjoying your life right now.

I just thought of something I'll close with. What if God told you that the way you feel today, the joy you experience in your life today, the mood you were in today...it was going to be frozen, and that would be how you felt the rest of your life.

How would you decide to feel?

Well, this is pretty much how it works. We decide how we feel. We decide to be appreciative and joyful or disappointed and resentful. And, because nothing that happens in our life really changes anything, the habits we develop of how we choose to feel actually do become how we feel the rest of our life.

The nightmare of divorce was a loss that cut me so deeply I will never be the same person again. It broke me. But it broke me in a good way, and forced me to figure some of this out. $hit has never been tougher in my life right now, but I don't think I've ever been better. Lot of words, but only because lord how I wish I could share how I feel with all of you.

Just like I wish I could share with my best friend how it can feel to play pool out of joy, without fear of fighting for your eternal happiness, and letting your stroke out, and being unencumbered and winning against world champions and popping off big tournaments and being selected to play exhibition matches against hall of famers passing through town, because that's how I've been feeling, and that's what's been happening. Life beats the living tar out of me all day every day, and I bounce through it smiling, play with my kids, laugh during dinner, and make magic with my cuestick on my weekends without them.

Thanks for the reply J.

THIS SENTENCE ONLY EXISTS TO BREAK THE RECORD AND MAKE THIS MY LONGEST POST EVER. I TOLD YOU I WAS COMPETITIVE 10 CHARACTERS TO GO...AND I WIN!