Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[sandi2]

How do I temp check? I’ve asked her if she would like to “join me” watching a TV show we used to both enjoy, I was turned down. Any ideas on how to temp check?

So Sandi2 and everyone else – how do I continue to work on myself and allow her to re-enter her life? As I’ve said, I see some changes – I think they are a good thing. I’d love some practical suggestions - I promise not to go overboard.

I do not encourage temp checks. Temp checks is an action taken by the WW/MLC, which is not authentic. They temp check, not b/c they desire the LBH or want to reconcile.....but for their own selfish motives. As soon as they get a reading on the temp....they immediately return to their waywardness or MLC. So, that term, "temp check" should not be attached to the LBS, IMHO.

BTW, I get what you are asking. However, your W can see or feel those "ideas" as pressure. I caution you about taking her emotional temp. This could be a subtle, or unintentional, attempt to control a part of her life. IDK, I'm just trying to get you to let go of the control handles. Like, when you say something about how can you allow her to re-enter "her" life. I assume you are referring to her easing back into the MR? That is something YOU should not try to create for her, IMHO. B/c she needs to work through her issues, and if & when she wants to re-enter into the MR, she will let you know the desires of her heart.....if she is being genuine, and it's not like the last time.

You can still have hope that the MR will reconcile, but I think you really need to let go of the rope you have around her. That rope is the reason you have not been able to detach. You need to stop measuring your every action by how much it affect your W. I think your "to do" list and other things began with you proving to her that you could change and you could do the work. Better yet, you could do your work and hers, and do it without her help. As you checked off your list, you would ask for more ideas from the board. I thought maybe that was how you were geared. In your endeavor to show her how capable you are, it kept your focus on her reactions.

My advice is to stop trying to create some scenario where you can determine her emotional feelings about the MR. Neither should you try to weigh every action with some punitive result in mind.

Stop posting how the kids are mad at her or they don't really want her to move back home. That feeds your self-righteous side (and most of have a little self-righteousness). It could appear just a little smug, that the kids love you more than their mom. This is not a competition in who is the best parent. At some level, I think you rather like a competitive feel.....but this should not be the undercurrent that resides within you when it comes to your relationships, especially the spouse and kids. Stop trying to beat her at winning.

Sometimes I get this mental picture of you giving your W difficulty when she wants to meet, or see the kids, or whatever. If she makes a habit of wanting to change things around or have her way all the time, then that would fall under manipulation.....and perhaps it's your way of not allowing it. If there really is a legit problem or issue where you can't cooperate with her request ...then of course, pull back on the reigns. Don't be contrary just to give her a hard time, or make her pay for leaving the M.

Start focusing on yourself as an individual.....not, as a H. How are you doing with GAL? What do you do that has absolutely no connections to your W? Go about living your life and stop focusing on her, and/or how to get her to do certain things. It is up to her to figure out how she feels, and how to get back into the life she once had with her family. If she does the right thing, she'll discuss it with you and ask you what it will take to reconcile the MR. If she doesn't....and she acts as if she's trying to wiggle her way back without doing anything differently, then stop her.

Now you said you would not go overboard, so I hope you will stay balanced with what I am saying.