J, I understand your disappointment with our society which is supportive of abandoning marriages and family when personal happiness is inconvenienced. I also recall your fear that other men would abandon you in any future marriage when things get tough, and that you are upset that the world works this way because it interferes with you getting what you want and need in your life. I can see why you'd be angry at your H, both for the hurt he caused directly, and because he represents everything you feel is wrong with the world and embodies the universal attitudes that prevent your shot at achieving a fulfilling relationship in the future.
I was angry for the exact same reasons for some time. What helped me was understanding why I was really angry. And that is that I saw in XW the attitudes and outlooks that I feel are wrong with the world, those that threaten to destroy the very ideas of marriage and family. Because I have a different view than most others on this side. While others speak optimistically about their next marriage, now that I've watched the game played out so many times with my eyes wide open I'm unable to deny what I see. And that is that while at the micro level there are exceptions, at the macro level relationships just don't work the way I wished they did in this world. Now that the hardship and oppression that kept bad marriages together in the past has eased and people have the resources to follow the path of least resistance, humanity overall is simply too selfish to make marriage work. And this means there is a good chance I'll never have the committed deep love I longed for in this lifetime.
This is very hard. It is a big loss. It is grieving not only my marriage and my family and the future I thought I had, but it's grieving my belief that this will happen for me altogether. And I can't medicate and try to ease my pain by assuring myself I'll get this all someday, because I know maybe I won't. So more loss to grieve and less happy thoughts to battle those dark feelings.
But the good of this is that by letting go of hope for the future, I've been forced to grieve and accept these losses. I am not clinging to the hope of a relationship and then having every ensuing reminder of humanity's shortsightedness trigger me into PTSD, open old wounds, or pour fuel on a raging internal fire of wondering if a happy romantic relationship is in my future. Instead I've been forced to ask the question- knowing that things don't work the way I want them to, do I want to enjoy what life does have to offer, or destroy myself to spite God with my disapproval of how he allowed the world to work? And I've made the decision that I'd be ungrateful not to celebrate what I do have. In fact, for me to reject what has been given to me out of anger would be just as destructive and short sighted as those that walk out on families.
People just are how they are. I'll get what I get. And I can be ok with that.
And that doesn't mean for sure that I can't be surprised by what's in store for me in the future. Maybe someday I open up to a woman, and it does indeed turn out that I'm in the minority of second marriages that doesn't end in divorce, infidelity, abuse, or perpetual hostility and resentment. Great. I'll take it. But I'm not going to hinge my appreciation of my life today on getting a guarantee about that.
In fact, I feel like this is almost identical to detaching from your WAS in DBing 101. It would be great if your spouse turned back before it was too late and you lived happily ever after, but clinging to hope and remaining attached to that outcome doesn't help. It just keeps the wound from healing over, and that pain causes anger and resentment that make it difficult to be your best self that would make that person or any other want to be around you anyway.
So while my outlook may not appear to be a positive one, for me this has been a catalyst to release my anger. And I may not be as opposite as I seem. Because I'm not saying marriages can't ever work. What I'm really trying to say is that they often don't, and they might not for me, and I'd rather deal with that possibility and choose to be ok regardless than to condition my ability to appreciate what's in my life to an unlikely outcome I can't control.
Cliff notes- you're right, your WAH is selfish and won't remain in a marriage, so is most of humanity. Bingo. Well diagnosed. Now what do you think you should do with your time between now and when you die?
Sorry if this is discouraging to anyone. I'm in a truly peaceful place right now and wanted to share the road that I found through this mess. Wishing you all support for the struggles of today and hoping you all have a moment today that wasn't all terrible.
I like what you wrote. And for almost 2 years I have read and followed your coming to terms with this insight...That you have to accept the loss of not just what you had, but on what you want. (I remember you talked about that with playing pool. That you come to terms with not making the shot before you actually shoot, right? and how you have better success that way)
When you word it as being "upset that the world works this way because it interferes with you getting what you want and need in your life" I had to laugh. Because although it points out my own feelings of entititlement ?? (I think thats the right word) There is truth to that. And yes. I am mad that what I feel is wrong is acceptable to many.
But its an important concept to grasp for any future relationship because it goes hand in hand with letting go of expectations. Of course I wont be able to count on that from a future problem, and like you am very fearful of being with someone that resents me.
Theres more to your post. I know. and will get to it. But want to answer this...
So what am I going to do with my time? I dont really have great goals yet except
1. Set up team, services, testing for my son. (he is super high functioning and i was actually told by his social worker that he could very easily be one of the kids to fall off the spectrum with the right help because he is so socially engaged and aware)
2. Get through the divorce
3. I have to make decisions here...Advance my career? seek out a relationship? I dont know. and that would help
